readingredhead | Never good enough?

So I got into Berkeley. I went up to LA today for the interview for the Regent's/Chancellor's Scholarship and the lady who signed me in shook my hand and said, "I want to be the first person to congratulate you on your acceptance to this school." Dad was there with me and he was freaking out, because Berkeley's his Alma Mater and I'm sure he'd like to see me go there.

But (and I feel like an unappreciative freak for saying this) I wasn't freaking out. In a way, I'd been expecting it. "So I'm into Berkeley," I've been thinking. "So what?" True, I'd like to go there; true, out of the colleges that have accepted me at the moment, it's undoubtedly the one I'm going to (did I mention I also got into Santa Barbara?). But I'm not excited. I don't feel happy for myself. I don't feel any different than I did before I knew for sure that I'd been accepted. It's not a big deal.

And I think it's because of my expectations. I've set them so high...when I set them I didn't think they were impossible. When I fell in love with Stanford, I didn't realize it was the one thing I wanted that I wouldn't get. But regardless of how well I set my expectations, they're set, and I'm realizing that nothing short of being accepted to Stanford will make me happy. I know universities other than Stanford will make me happy -- Berkeley's a good example of that -- but the finding out, the "oh my god I got in" moment, will only happen if I get into Stanford.

If. I hate that word. It means there's something I don't know. In a way it's possibilities -- but not just for good. Bad stuff can happen to an "if," not just good stuff. "If" might mean anything. And a lot of "anything" sucks.

I hate it that I can't feel proud of my own accomplishments. In a way, though, it's why I'm here. I'm always trying to do something better, no matter what it is. When I accomplish one thing, I'm already looking ahead to the next. That's how I am in writing, certainly -- I have moments where I allow myself to feel excited, but also sometimes I just get right on working with the next project, the next set of characters and turns of phrase. It's what's gotten me this far: my ability to keep reaching outward and outward, to set my standards higher and higher. Which is why it feels so shitty when I can't reach them, or I'm not sure if I've reached them, or I should have reached them but someone on the outside says I haven't, except for some stupid reason or another, what they have to say matters more than what I know. I hate that.

I think, though, once again, that it's too much a part of me to get rid of. I've always been about impossible dreams. I see myself most clearly in the third-grader who came home from school one day to tell mommy and daddy that she'd be a published writer when she grew up; in the fifth-grader who began the creation of an entire fantasy world from scratch; in the seventh-grader who picked up those fifth-grade characters and worlds and thought she could resurrect them and turn them into something worthwhile; in the ninth-grader who re-resurrected the same story and decided she would have it written and published before she graduated high school. I see myself most clearly in these shadow dreams, goals I once had. In writing, I've been able to compromise with myself -- I've been able to talk myself out of some of my more ridiculous goals, which has made the intermediary milestones seem more important. But I don't think I've been able to do that with college, because I'm not excited about Berkeley, and I don't think I will be unless (until?) it's the last choice I have left.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Shoot for the moon and you'll land among the stars;t he moon will always be there.

I think you and I will be able to see eye-to-eye on this with a cup of coffee when I get rejected from Berkeley, but until then, my friend, read this once more:

It must be borne in the mind
that tragedy in life doesn't
lie in not reacing your goals.
The tragedy lies in having no
goals to reach.
It isn't a calamity to die with
dreams unfulfilled, but it is
a calamity not to dream.
It is not a disaster to be unable
to capture your ideal,
but it is a disaster to have no
ideal to capture.
It is not a disgrace not to reach
the stars, but it is a disgrace
to have no stars to reach for.
Not failure, but low aim is sin.

Dr. B. Mays

I understand that it's not a bad thing to have big goals...I just feel like I should be more excited about Berkeley, and my goals are too big to let me. Which doesn't seem at all fair, to me and to others.

I remember when you got your AP scores back. That feeling of "what??" will always be there. You have the scores and the passion and whatever else you could want. It's not guaranteed that they're looking for that, so they might not take you. I don't know what they want.

Me: How do you suppose I should best convince the admissions staff I have a unique energy without tipping them off to my insanitee?

Kap'n Ken (Stanford grad): write them a thoughtful inciteful serious essay about some dreary subject they will think important.

As you remember, I took his advice... sort of. Mebbe you weren't dreary enough.

I don't think I was dreary enough. What I hate is that they want me to be dreary in the essay, but then they want me to go study at an essentially un-dreary place. I think the admissions staffers are completely separate from the "real school" and live in some sort of freezer that is opened every time they're needed.

Ha. For some reason I read the line "live in some sort of freezer that is opened every time they're needed." as "live in some sort of freezer that is opened every time they're naked."
Which is way more amusing than it should be. Good job with the 7th grade humor, Lauren. Really though, it reminds me of the descriptions of the Supreme Court in *America- The Book.* Which I'm done with, by the way, if you want to borrow it.

I know what you mean about trying to settle for something less than your dream. I think about colleges and I feel bad for considering the ones I'm looking at only "settling," because they really are very good schools, but I can't make myself happy for anything less than the one I imagined myself- until I am officially rejected from it, anyway. Hopefulls after that it will get easier to give up?

That school for me, however, is Berkeley. Haha.

and by "imagined myself," I meant "imagined myself in;" I didnot intend to say that I imagined Berkeley, all by myself.

and by hopefulls, I meant hopefully. I'm just really bad at typing.

They might be naked in there; I wouldn't know, having not seen the freezer.

Hopefully, we both get into exactly where we're supposed to be. And I don't mean that in the sense of "oh, everyone goes where it's right for them, even if you don't think it is" -- I've always felt this is a stupid way to keep from feeling bad for yourself, and not very realistic. I mean, hopefully I get into Stanford and you get into Berkeley. Because those freezing naked admissions directors are stupider than I thought if we don't get in.

Haha. I know exactly what you mean abou using the whole "it's just meant to be idea" to avoid dissapointment. Or really, avoid any connection with your life: responsibility, in both a good and a bad sense. You never have to be guilty but never can be proud, either. Sorry, I was thinking about that earlier.

I haven't seen the freezer either, but hopefully it's inhabitants,regardless of their attire (or lack thereof) are smart enough to let you in, and stupid enough to let me in.

Its hard to provide consolation on an issue such as this. But for the moment, let's just hope that the Cardinal welcomes such a worthy student as yourself into its campus. The word "if" has a positive side too.

(Sorry; I probably can't help much, except say that I really hope you get in.)

I know, I don't really expect consolation because I figure it's something I have to find for myself, not something I can be given by other people. But it's good to know that people listen to my maniac rants? And that there are people rooting for me. That helps.

It may just be a step in this great dance.

I've never been much of a dancer.

http://bp0.blogger.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/ReoA75lpKHI/AAAAAAAAAJM/Vp7YGX78uIE/s1600-h/gobears.jpg

(Don't you like the name of the image? I know I do.)

...wow. Thank you, Luke. And yes, I really like the name of the image.

It's so weird how many people there are in the world...who you never know but can somehow be thinking the same exact thing you are.

Most of the Postsecret cards today are about getting into your college of choice.

I get what you've been saying about having lots to do but not doing it. There are all kinds of things I've been putting off by reading Joe Campbell outdoors all weekend. Came back in to see if UF got back to me and I could check my admission decision, and I ended up following the advice of another email entirely: learn as much about Santa Cruz as you can. Before I knew it, I had learned the abridged histories of UCB and UCSC and followed links across Wikipedia to various things on symbolic logic.

I've been getting the feeling lately that most seniors who applied someplace out of state or out of reach are the ones scrambling and worrying at the last minute. Odd that this means the brightest have no place to go? More importantly, most people in the world realise we (the world) are in a big transition.

(Also: we are really just robots. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_Room)

Never good enough?

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