readingredhead (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
readingredhead) wrote2006-08-29 05:51 pm
readingredhead) wrote2006-08-29 05:51 pm
Entry tags:
Grrrr.....family.
I'm hungry, but I don't want to go down and get something to eat, because if I do, then I'd have to pass mom and dad, and they're both angry at me, again. And all because I lost a stupid USB drive.
All I wanted was their help. All I wanted was for them to not worry about it, so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. All I wanted was for them to think of a spot where it might have been that I wouldn't have checked yet.
Instead, mom went psycho and practically tore apart my room looking for it. I mean, she looked in places where I knew the drive wasn't, and I told her so. But she just kept looking. (Ironically enough, when we told dad, he started looking through the laptop case which we'd already searched twice {mom not having trusted me to do the first search correctly} and she got mad at him for searching somewhere she told him not to.)
So finally I told her I didn't want her help, because all she was doing was ragging on me for having lost it in the first place. I mean, how is that helpful? It's already hurting me enough that I can't find it. That drive had on it all of the things I wrote while I was up at Stanford. I'd never had the time to sit down and transfer it all onto my computer at home, so if I can't find the drive, a lot of stuff if lost. Do my parents think that calling me stupid can hurt me anywhere as much as losing all of that information will? I'm frantic enough as it is, dammit! They don't need to make it worse!
What I hate the most about this is that it's just another example of how my parents just aren't measuring up to my old standards. And I hate it. They used to be perfect, and they aren't anymore -- but I still want them to be. It's not that I can't do things on my own, or without them. But can't I be independent and still believe in my parents' ability to do things right? I didn't think you had to lose faith in your parents in order to grow up.
Mom and dad fight more now. It used to be I knew whose side to be on. Now? I think they're both wrong. They both do stupid things, miscommunicate, come down too hard.
THEY MAKE MISTAKES.
They didn't used to.
All I wanted was their help. All I wanted was for them to not worry about it, so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. All I wanted was for them to think of a spot where it might have been that I wouldn't have checked yet.
Instead, mom went psycho and practically tore apart my room looking for it. I mean, she looked in places where I knew the drive wasn't, and I told her so. But she just kept looking. (Ironically enough, when we told dad, he started looking through the laptop case which we'd already searched twice {mom not having trusted me to do the first search correctly} and she got mad at him for searching somewhere she told him not to.)
So finally I told her I didn't want her help, because all she was doing was ragging on me for having lost it in the first place. I mean, how is that helpful? It's already hurting me enough that I can't find it. That drive had on it all of the things I wrote while I was up at Stanford. I'd never had the time to sit down and transfer it all onto my computer at home, so if I can't find the drive, a lot of stuff if lost. Do my parents think that calling me stupid can hurt me anywhere as much as losing all of that information will? I'm frantic enough as it is, dammit! They don't need to make it worse!
What I hate the most about this is that it's just another example of how my parents just aren't measuring up to my old standards. And I hate it. They used to be perfect, and they aren't anymore -- but I still want them to be. It's not that I can't do things on my own, or without them. But can't I be independent and still believe in my parents' ability to do things right? I didn't think you had to lose faith in your parents in order to grow up.
Mom and dad fight more now. It used to be I knew whose side to be on. Now? I think they're both wrong. They both do stupid things, miscommunicate, come down too hard.
THEY MAKE MISTAKES.
They didn't used to.
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I realized a long time ago that my parents were not who I thought they were. They have their moments, but they also drive me to the point where I feel nothing I do can ever prove myself to them, that I'll always be nothing. Maybe I'm just being a cynic, but that's probably why we don't continue living with our parents while in college, well most of us don't at least.
When you get older, perfect is how you percieve things. When we were younger, perfect was what mommy and daddy said was right and wrong. It's a downer going through that transition with the family, but it happens to all of us, so don't think for a moment you're alone in how you feel. Even I understand and this is coming from someone who barely tells her parents anything about her private life and rarely enjoys their company.
And not to make it sound like I ignored the other part of your entry, I have to tell you, I've lost that stupid USB thing so many times. It always turns up when you least expect it. I do hope you end up finding it. Things get lost, they get misplaced all the time, just don't stop believing you'll find it eventually and things will turn out for you.
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No one's perfect. We're only human.
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i hope you find your USB drive. *hugs*
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