in Life's name and for Life's sake

Definitely getting more things done today than yesterday. Started the morning off by writing a kickass TOK paper which I adore absolutely. SO MUCH BETTER than my first attempt. Granted, considering my first attempt, that wasn't that hard.

Um...I'm tutoring more people for more money the rest of this week. I still have to study for chemistry and calculus, but I also need to help my sister with her studying. I've got a really long to-do list, but all I want to do is curl up with a good book. Oh, and I need to memorize "Hollow Men" by T. S. Eliot by tomorrow. I've got the first stanza, but that's not much out of five. Oh well, I've got time. "There will be time, there will be time to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet. There will be time to murder and create, and time for all the works and days of hands that lift and drop a question on your plate. Time for you and time for me, and time..."

Time that I stop the Prufrock insanity.

Now I'm really going to study for chem, after I figure out what Princeton wants from me in terms of financial aid.

Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

That's what I'm supposed to write...but every person I think to write about, the essay sounds fake in my head. The few lines I've jotted down have felt even worse. I can't think of a good way to write this essay, and I hate that. I would love to write about a fictional character, but I don't think that's within the scope of the prompt, seeing as they ask for a person. I don't think Jane Eyre counts. I suppose I could write about Charlotte Bronte...but no. It's not what the prompt asks for.

And the funny thing is, I'm so easily influened! I should be able to come up with so many examples...but I can't. Not only do my essay attempts seem insincere, they lack concrete detail.

It would be easy to write about a writer who influenced me, but the writer who had the largest influence on me is J. K. Rowling, and I know that any essay I wrote about her would sound fake, even though it's the most sincere thing I have to offer. I hate that.

And I hate not having my own room. I don't feel like I can think as well without my own space. I'm not being constantly interrupted, or anything...it's just that the computer room isn't my thinking room. My room is my thinking room. And for that, I want it back.

God, why can't I just THINK???

Using one of the quotes below (or your own favorite quotation) as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values.

But what do I consider my values? Are passion and determination values? Because I could certainly write about how those impacted my life. When I initially read this question, I thought I should write about the first Day of Silence in which I participated. I hadn't been participating in GSA at the time -- to tell the truth, I was too afraid that the new friends I'd earned over the course of my first two years at Mission would shun me for it. Now, I know that those friends a) probably wouldn't have shunned me because their values matched mine but were just being less expressed, or b) weren't really meant to be friends, and that participating openly could have helped me shake them off sooner. But at the time I did it, I was almost...scared. I didn't know what people would think of me, and that was difficult.

But sophomore year was the year I met Tony, and being around him and seeing how intelligent and ridiculous he was, how wonderful and laughable and human he was, made me realize that all of the divisions others were busy erecting had nothing to do with the real world. Sexuality and personality are completely separate, and that year I was provided with the chance to know Tony for the first time -- not just as "that smart kid who wears scarves," but as the kid in five of my classes, who shared my interests and understood my idiosyncracies, whose words were in harmony with my own love of language and whose follies, though humbling, were also victories over perfection. I think that if everyone in the world could get to know some of the people I know in the ways that I know them, they would have their eyes opened.

But back to the day. I remember the first signs of its going on were Tony and Jared running around, battling the administration for the right to celebrate respect for unity in a diverse world. I remember thinking how absolutely ridiculous it was for people to even try to argue that something as well-meaning as the Day of Silence could cause harm.

And after living through that day, I knew that the only pain caused was the pain that some felt when they were forced to open their eyes to the reality of acceptance and respectful love that existsed all around them -- and, potentially (if some of them dug deep enough), within them. That one day was an eye-opener: not just for those who watched as a mass of people, dressed all in black, ate lunch in the middle of the quad in silence, but also for the participants, like myself, who realized that sometimes the best way to make use of freedom of speech is to say nothing at all.

This year will be the third year that the Gay-Straight Alliance at my school has hosted a Day of Silence, as well as my third year as a participant, and I'm proud of that. In the past, we've received sprinkled opposition from those I can't understand -- those people who have the nerve to come to school wearing, not all black, but all white. I hurt for them and for the open-minded nature they do not understand. This year, it's been rumored that the Christian Ministries club on campus intends to put on a "Day of Truth" in opposition to our Day of Silence. Their plans are to wear all white and tell everyone they see about the follies of our over-tolerance -- because apparently, it's wrong to love everyone for who they are. Some members of GSA have said that we should protest their day as they have always protested ours. Myself, I don't agree with this. They have just as much a right to their message as we do to ours, and I think we look better if we show them we have the ability to be that much more mature and accepting. I know that on whatever day they schedule, I'll come wearing white -- a hand-made shirt bearing simply the words, "'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater..."

I had an all right time of things this week. I mean, they felt bad when I was busy slogging through them but on the other side nothing seems quite so bad. Even college. I'm still worried about the Stanford app and the fact that I hear back from them in less than a week, but I had a nice long talk with Rachna during MUN on Friday that made me put things in perspective a little better. Now I think I've got my priorities a little straighter.

And I get to write a critical paper connecting my favorite part of literature to my favorite part of history, so life can't be all bad.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn...

It's interesting to think how a single moment can change your life. We might not recognize that moment when it comes -- it might be an involuntary action that decides the shift for us.

But it might also be voluntary. We might stand there and see the gap before us, and know that the only option we have left is to jump. To fly into the face of that change, whatever it may be.

This is one of those. The push of a button, and my application to Stanford is submitted. The push of a button, and there's nothing more I can do about it. The push of a button, and it's out of my hands and into the hands of Fate and admissions directors.

All of this with the push of a button.

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“I don’t know how you could be interested in history,” Holly said. “The future has always been more intriguing to me than the past.”

“But without a past, we wouldn’t be where we are in the present, and without the present, we can have no future.” Holly still wasn’t convinced, so Jasen continued. “Think of it as a story—except the main character isn’t just one person, it’s many. In fact, it’s a group of people, or even humanity as a whole, depending on the level you study it at. Yeah, it’s a bit plot driven, but every now and then a character comes to the forefront who is so thrilling that you just have to follow their story through to the end, see where they’re going. And then you dip into that same society years after that character’s death, to see if they really mattered, had some sort of lasting impact.”

Holly suppressed a laugh at the hopeful look on Jasen’s face, the way his eyes were glazed over slightly in thought. “Do you intend on being one of those characters? The ones who stand out and dare to make a difference?”

Jasen shrugged. “I guess it would be nice. But it would be hard, too. You can’t change the world without changing yourself, and you never know beforehand if you’re going to like that change or not. You just have to jump into the wind and see where it takes you. Sometimes it helps you soar. Sometimes it blows so strongly you can’t make it off of the ground. But either way, it’s the decision to make that leap that really matters. After that, anything can happen, and you’d better be ready for it.”

Holly did laugh when Jasen finished, but it was a chuckle of concession rather than amusement. “You really have put a lot of thought into this.”

“It’s life. Who hasn’t?”

“You’d be surprised.”

~from the portion of Azuria which I've written so far

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"Too late for second-guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
...and leap!"

~"Defying Gravity"

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"I stand on a precipice
I struggle to keep my balance..."

~"Goodbye Until Tomorrow"

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"There were oceans to cross
There were mountains to conquer
And I stood on the shore
And I stood on the cliff
And the second before I jumped,
I knew where I needed to be!"

~"I'd Give it All For You"

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Is this where I need to be?

I guess I'll push the button and find out.

--Humanities skit
--memorize polyatomic ions for AP Chem
--study for AP Chem test
--complete Stanford application
--write Stanford essays
--copy transcript (x3)
--give counselor forms to guidance office (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--ask Dad if midyear school report forms are given to guidance now or later
--write Princeton essays
--write Harvard essays (aka copy & paste appropriate Stanford & Princeton essays)
--apply for scholarships
--apply for financial aid
--ask Dad how to apply for financial aid
--sign up for driver's training

Well, the list is a lot shorter now that I've finished my topic synopsis--at least, it seems a lot shorter, and that's a good thing. I've been working on the synopsis for the majority of the morning, since 9:30 maybe, which means that it took me all of three hours to do. I like the topic of peacekeeping reform--it's only really been an issue for the last ten years, so I didn't have to do insane historical research like you usually have to do for topics like that.

Now I can spend the rest of today working on chemistry, Stanford essays, and getting together Steph B.'s birthday present. Really, that doesn't sound too bad.

I sat down 45 minutes ago to do my Spanish homework. As you can possibly tell, it's not gotten done. Ah, the problems of having a laptop that I can quickly turn on & off, as opposed to my PC's slower boot-up time.

So to make this entry useful, an extensive to-do list.

--Spanish homework (historia questions)
--sketchbook pages for Art
--Chem hw
--Humanities skit
--study for AP Calc
--memorize polyatomic ions for AP Chem
--write topic synopsis for MUN
--fill out & return computer rebate forms
--complete Stanford application
--write Stanford essays
--copy transcript (x3)
--mail Matt letter of rec forms (Stanford)
--give Mrs. McClure & Mr. Moore letter of rec forms (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--give counselor forms to guidance office (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--ask Dad if midyear school report forms are given to guidance now or later
--write Princeton essays
--write Harvard essays (aka copy & paste appropriate Stanford & Princeton essays)
--apply for scholarships
--apply for financial aid
--ask Dad how to apply for financial aid
--sign up for driver's training

The list scares me. I'm done now.

Grrrrrr...summer is slowly winding down. Before I forget, a list of things I have to do before school starts:

--Spanish Homework
--driver's training/learning how to drive
--work more on Stanford application
--fill out more scholarship forms
--get MUN issues ironed out
--RELAX!!!

Yeah...all of that is really bugging me, because I don't want to do anything and yet it's all slowly catching up with me. I really need to do that Spanish homework. Has anyone started yet? *hopes she's not the only one behind*

But, in better news, my new laptop arrived today! In fact, I'm typing this on it, while sitting on my couch. I'd always been planning on getting a laptop before I went off to college, and it just seemed like one would be useful this year...so I used some of my "college money" (not really, it's complicated) and bought one. It's an HP dv1000t, if that means anything to anyone. Smaller, lightweight, with a couple cool add-ons like a built-in webcam and a DVD burner. Muahahaha.

So, what have I been doing with my summer? Well, I'm not completely sure. Hanging out with Rick a lot, which has been wonderful. Yesterday I tie-dyed shirts, and I think they turned out rather well -- at least, mine did. (Luke, I'll post a picture later if I find time.) Corinne doesn't like hers as much, but I think they're okay.

I've been helping out at my church nursery every Sunday for community service hours. Been doing that for the past three weeks, and it's kinda nice.

Um...not much to say. There's some MUN drama going on (when isn't there?) but I'm working toward a solution. I hope that it all ends well...

I think I'm a little stressed in the "the end of summer is near" sort of way. I'm just really out of it, I feel kinda funny...am I the only one?

I dunno. I'm gonna stop with the rambling and go do something productive for a change.

So I haven't updated in a while, mostly because since econ's gotten out, I haven't been doing too much. Now, that's not a bad thing -- but I also haven't been doing some of the things that I wanted to get done. However, I did read Lord of the Flies and I just started Life of Pi this morning.

I can probably cover most of the happenings in my future by simply reading them off of the whiteboard that I keep on my bedroom door. there's al ist in the middle in red, of things I really need to focus on, which reads: college apps, laptop, driver's ed, scholarships.

The Stanford app is now online, so I want to start at least looking it over...since I'm applying early action there, it's gotta be in by November 1st. Also, I'm planning on buying a laptop, but I haven't really sat down to get it done yet. I just finished my online driver's ed course after almost a year of having been signed up, but now I have to wait for the certificate to come so that I can work on getting my permit. And as for scholarships, I got an account on Fastweb and realized how many there are out there, and how many I could potentially get. So I figure the sooner I start applying, the better. Even if it's just me scribbling out an essay in my free time, I write well enough that I've got a shot at most of the essay contests.

Also on the board, scrawled excitedly in blue, is the single word WICKED, underlined several times. It's in Orange County now, at OCPAT, but I hadn't managed to get tickets when they went on sale so I wasn't planning on going. However, it turns out that Rick's grandmother gets season tickets to OCPAT, and she didn't have anyone to drive her to see Wicked since Rick's parents are going out of town this weekend, so she gave us the tickets!!! We're seeing the matinee on Saturday; I'm really excited.

Also, MUN summer sessions have been going on for two weeks now; today's the third session. Tony's teaching, so it should be fun.

I went to Disneyland yesterday with Rick, which was good fun. Hurrah for season passes.

All of this has been interspersed with knitting and watching X-Files. After lunch, it might also involve some reading of fanfiction, purely for entertainment. Hope you all are having good summers.

And lastly, before I leave...



Damn, looks like I'm gonna blow up. Ah, well, can't have everything.