in Life's name and for Life's sake

Grrr...I have a Russian history midterm tomorrow that's worth 40% of my overall grade. I haven't done the math, but I'm pretty sure that means I have to get an A on it to get an A in the class. Which, you know, isn't necessary, but would be really nice. I see no reason not to get A's in English and history classes. Now if I were being forced to take math I'd probably let myself go a little bit, but as it is, it's history. And I know it.

(For a minute though--really, whom am I kidding? Me, let myself go? Preposterous proposition.)

Anyway, I feel like I haven't studied enough because there are definitely things I don't know, and I'm just hoping they won't end up on the test--I'll be really pissed (and frankly surprised) if they do. Not worried about essays because we've got four options and only have to write two, but the IDs are worth 20% of the grade and it's just two terms we have to define, no picking and choosing.

I'm a little worried about time. Two essays, two IDs, one and a half hours. My last history midterm was the same length of time and consisted of one essay and four IDs. I don't think I'll be able to do justice to the essay topics in one and a half hours. I could totally own them with just a little more time!

In other words, my Shakespeare midterm went well. One of the EC questions was definitely from Hamlet -- Laertes to Ophelia, "Weigh what loss your honor may sustain" -- and I was instantly transported back to Krucli's class with Rob yelling out "family honor" as the answer to every question.

My plan for tonight is to get to sleep early, wake up early, and study until the test starts. Then I might skip out on my Shakespeare class (since I haven't done the reading and attendance really isn't mandatory) and just chill for the rest of the day, doing all the other homework I've been putting off. Sounds like a great idea, the more I think about it. I just don't like the idea of skipping class...

I have the urge to make Krucli a giant birthday card (as in, out of a piece of posterboard) that reads, "Have a marvelous birthday!"

I think I'm going to do it. Would people sign it if I did?

EDIT: I'm doing it.

Last night...was good. When I got home around 11:30 I was tempted to turn on the computer and write up a journal entry right then, so that I could capture it in all its glory. But then I realized that nothing would do it justice. Really, as much as we may try to preserve things with photographs or with writing or with video, in the end these only serve as tools to jog the memory, so that only someone who lived through the experience can fully comprehend its wonder. That's kind of what yesterday was like. While it was being experienced, it was great. Now...it just feels odd, knowing that that was the last Humanities field trip of my life, and nothing like that will ever happen quite like that again.

It was good, but in retrospect it loses its color and life. As much as the past might be beautiful, in the end we have to continue to live in the present.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this so much. I don't need to. But maybe I do...yesterday was an odd day for me. There were moments when I felt like I belonged, and moments where I felt estranged, and most of these happened without me having a clue as to why.

Before we left for the field trip yesterday, Krucli was talking to us about the hero's journey. He gave examples from Star Wars, but those weren't the ones that stuck with me. What stuck was his use of us going off to college. And the stages of that journey corresponded perfectly with all that I know I've been through or will go through. And I admit that it scares me. It scares me to be leaving behind the kind of life I've always known. I want to continue having happiness I'm used to, even if life may only improve through change...

I don't know. I've been in a philosophical mood lately. I started this entry intending to describe what happened yesterday on the field trip. But looking back on it, I realize that the things I'd like to write about, the things I'd like to share with others, are those things I can't quite find words for. I'm trying, but I feel like someone fumbling for the light switch in the darkness.

I need to do something that will make me feel more myself. I need to write. After all, script frenzy started yesterday. I need to get the feel of the keys beneath my fingers again, and let that soothe me...

How do I feel right now?  I think that this works best:

"...growing up is all about getting hurt.  And then getting over it.  You hurt.  You recover.  You move on.  Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again.  But each time, you learn something.

Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize there are more flavors of pain than coffee.  There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind--graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown.  There's the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectatinos.  There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would.  There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up.  The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn.  There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.

And if you're very, very lucky, there are a few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realize that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last--and yet will remain with you for life."

~From White Knight by Jim Butcher

I know I've posted this before, but it just seems such a good descriptor of how I feel.  These are the pains I've been feeling--and some of them hurt more than others.  The "big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations" is what I felt when I didn't get into Stanford.  I've mercifully been spared the "sharp little pains of failure," but lately I've become mired in "the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would."  Of course, the pain of loving others balances this out on some days, but it makes it worse on others--after all, empathy is a "steady pain" that's hard to ignore.

The final paragraph of that quote describes perfectly what I'd call the pain of impermanence.  It's one of the most beautiful, but also one of the hardest for me to reconcile myself to right now.  But I'm working on it--I don't see any other way.

There was a time when I used this journal for poetry. I wish I was still living in that sort of time, but I'm not, and I just have to deal with it.

I went to the Koger study session. Very few people showed up, but that's never bugged me -- I love having time with teachers when they don't have to pay attention to a billion kids at once, and if all the Humanities kids showed up, it'd be a zoo. (Steph, I have the notes for you -- I can e-mail them if you want. Anyone else cool enough to be reading this gets them for free, but I'm considering selling them to others.)

I should be doing work right now, but (I'm sensing a recurrant theme here) I don't want to do it.

I wrote an essay about objects in the play Streetcar Named Desire and I forgot to mention the streetcar named Desire. *hits self on head* But I did write a lot, and if Dr. Chris is grading them I have a better chance than if Krucli was (for once in my life). Stylistically, the essay is pretty crappy and doesn't follow any sort of good form, and Krucli expects better of me and would ding me for it. Chris, on the other hand, will be so happy to realize I listened to what he said (or so he thinks) and he will only care about whether or not I used compound-complex sentences, so I'm less worried. It feels weird to have hand-written that essay, because all the past essays I've typed and saved to my computer, which means that I've been able to look back at them immediately after they were written. I can't do that with this one, and it's somewhat annoying.

I'm still working on a nebulous cloud of ideas that may or may not coalesce (one of my favorite words) into a good and meaningful story for Julie. I'm working on an idea set in ancient Greece, and I really wanted to use Hypatia as a main character, but I keep running into historical issues. If I'm going to set it in a real historical time period, I get the feeling that I should at least do it right.

So I was experimenting with the poll generator, and I produced this. Please help?

[Poll #968500]

Really, I don't know how that's going to help me. Really the only thing is I'm unsure if I want to pull some Greek gods into the story or not. Because I could do it without them, and it might make more sense, but I just don't know enough Greek history to know for sure.

Aargh! As usual, so many things demand so much from me and I'm never sure if I'll have the time or strength to get them all done. But in the end, all we can do is persevere and hope that our perseverance is enough.

Rachna, Katie and I are getting this shirt for Mr. Krucli (along with the syphilis and chocolate): http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/prose/male

This one just entertains me because it's mostly sold out: http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/stewartcolbert/male

I wish I'd heard about this shirt soon enough to buy it: http://www.flickr.com/photos/seldo/424813319

Also, I like books: http://www.fatamerican.tv/shirtpage/bookpower.htm

Yes. Now I'll go to sleep.

Every time I see the musical Wicked, I come away inspired in so many different directions that I don't know what to do with it. Actually, any time I see any musical, or play, or finish a good book, or experience any work of art worth my time, I come away with that feeling -- that need to do something, after having sat and watched or read for so long. I need action now, I demand it from myself.

But the clock is once again my enemy. It's too late -- and besides, there's always a morning.

But what if there isn't? That's the question Wicked has me asking today. Why should I worry about the morning? It'll be there when it comes. But in the meantime, why not let my passions be expressed? If there's one thing I learned from Elphaba tonight (and yes, I will continue to treat fictional characters as real people for as long as they continue to be real people), it's that what I admire most about her is that she is unafraid to show her passions to the world.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I come across as insincere -- that the way I express my passions seems like a simple seeming, rather than my being. It isn't, but I hate that it seems that way. Because if other people could only know one thing about me, I'd want it to be that I latch onto things I have a passion for and follow through with them, despite any opposition and at all costs. I want to be known as the person not afraid to feel.

For some reason, the song "As Long As You're Mine" really hit home today. I don't know why, but the attitude of the song just feels like something I'd like to embrace. I just want a chance to let go, for once -- a reason, an excuse, almost a pretense for being myself.

Why do I feel like I need one?

Why does it take a musical about a green girl to tell me this about myself? I understand the power of art, but I am constantly re-amazed by it.

Elphaba asks Fiyero, "Do you think I want to be this way? Do you think I want to care this much? Don’t you know how much easier my life would be if I didn’t?" It's a thought I've had often -- how easy would it be to take the other road? What would it be worth? What would it feel like to leave school at lunchtime, to go out on weekdays, to graduate in a red robe with an average GPA and attend a decent college, to get a moderately high-paying job and settle down and have a family and live the rest of my life being unobtrusive.

What would it feel like to be normal?

But then I remember that I'm different, and it's something I can take pride in, and I realize that I really don't want the answer to those questions I always ask. I don't need to know what life would have been like had I chosen another path. I didn't. I picked this one. I'm still not so sure what that entails, but I know that part of it involves following through. I know that this is the only life that makes me feel so alive (if that makes any sense whatsoever). It's who and why I am, rolled into one.

I thought a lot today, about completely unrelated things -- but then again, I don't think any two things are completely unrelated. I spent time with friends, and remembered their intense worth. And when it came to "For Good," I cried to think that "we may never meet again in this lifetime," but also to realize that so many of these people I know have changed me. I am not myself -- no man is an island. The interconnectedness of humanity really struck me today: how much each person matters to someone else, potentially lots of someones. And also it struck me how great a legacy of ourselves we leave in others without ever knowing it. It's something of which I wish I could be more aware.

Now I think I'm rambling, and my left wrist and right calf hurt (hopefully for different reasons), but I just felt like I needed to say something. After a day like this, I just couldn't be silent. I feel (still) like I need to sing.

So maybe I will, in my dreams.

I had a restless night full of half-dreams and anticipations. I kept waking up with the feeling that there was something I desperately needed to do but that I had no clue how to approach. The dream arc followed a story wherein I was on vacation but we got flooded in wherever we were and I couldn't make it back home in time for an important MUN conference. I stressed out so much trying to make it in time for that conference, counting the passing minutes and calculating how late I was. At one point Mr. Krucli was there and he was really nice -- he offered to print something for me that I needed printed, I think -- but then he disappeared before I could get the paper he'd printed from him. Then I finally showed up at the conference and found out that my codelegate had decided not to go. But with all of this, I wouldn't allow myself to just give up.

The odd thing was that this dream seemed to continue even when I woke up and fell back to sleep (which I did a lot of times). And when I was lingering on the edge of sleep, just about to wake up, I had this strong fear of statistics class, which I don't even take.

This is the second dream in recent memory that's involved a flood, though the first flood dream was more Biblical in nature and also potentially involved Mount Sinai.

When I woke up finally to my alarm ringing (or rather, when my alarm told me it was all right to get out of bed and just stop trying -- I wasn't actually asleep for most of the night), I felt hollow. Like my gut was profoundly empty. Not the empty feeling of hunger, but of emptiness -- I can't really explain it better than that. It went away -- most of the hard parts of last night went away eventually -- but I know I'll be falling asleep in school today.

As usual, my life is juxtaposed oddities: I'm really happy because I did some more research and discovered that I can viably write my Spanish internal assessment on Cuban science fiction. That makes me feel better about myself. And I'm going out tonight with friends -- that certainly makes me feel better about myself. So I guess I'm not too bad -- I guess, as usual, I'll be okay.

I've been doing a lot of procrastinating lately. For instance, it's 5:15 right now and I haven't touched my homework, despite the fact that I've got a few things to do -- Spanish, Calculus -- and an MUN conference to prepare for.

The thing is, I can't get myself worked up over doing work. It's a bad thing, because it's not going to get any better as the school year progresses, but I'm just in a bit of a slump right now. I hope it's just because I'm sick, and that it's not going to become a habit, but I've got my worries.

I'm not going to stop doing things -- I don't think that would be possible. I'm not going to stop doing my work and getting it done. But I'm also going to not be completely productive for a while, I fear.

I've been struck lately with an odd desire to write fanfiction. No particular fandom, no actual plot -- just the drive to have lots of people I don't know in the real world review my story and reaffirm how important I am. The instant gratification of reviews is why I stopped writing fanfiction in the first place, and I'm not about to return to it, but this is the first time in a long time that I've wanted to.

Slightly random though this is, I'm kind of annoyed with having to switch groups in humanities. I really liked the old Group A -- we had some decent people, and we all worked really well together. I understand the groups needed to be split up a bit, but I don't see why it was done so drastically. Is there supposed to be something wrong with letting us hang out with the people we like? Reminds me of Anthem: Transgression of Preference?

Lots of things have been reminding me of books lately. For instance, Beauty and the Beast somehow has been connected in my mind to Jane Eyre and Pride and Prejudice? And werewolves? This is what happens when you decide to do a new take on an old story -- time pollution kicks in and all of the thoughs and theories that weren't around when the story was first told clamor to be included in the new version.

I've got an MUN conference this weekend -- well, Friday and Saturday. On the one hand, I don't want to go, but on the other I'll be glad to attend. It's Huntington Beach MUN, which isn't overly challenging.

I'm also considering whether I want to take part in tomorrow's Humanities talent show. If anything, I'd just recite a poem -- one of Shakespeare's sonnets, probably? I've become rather partial to "Let me not to the marriage of true minds," because I love the sentiments expressed. Oh Will, why so good? You make the rest of us look like tongueless fools.

Maybe I've spent enough time procrastinating now. Maybe I'll go do something worthwhile now. Or maybe I'll go memorize a sonnet. Either way, I'll go do something.

Definitely getting more things done today than yesterday. Started the morning off by writing a kickass TOK paper which I adore absolutely. SO MUCH BETTER than my first attempt. Granted, considering my first attempt, that wasn't that hard.

Um...I'm tutoring more people for more money the rest of this week. I still have to study for chemistry and calculus, but I also need to help my sister with her studying. I've got a really long to-do list, but all I want to do is curl up with a good book. Oh, and I need to memorize "Hollow Men" by T. S. Eliot by tomorrow. I've got the first stanza, but that's not much out of five. Oh well, I've got time. "There will be time, there will be time to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet. There will be time to murder and create, and time for all the works and days of hands that lift and drop a question on your plate. Time for you and time for me, and time..."

Time that I stop the Prufrock insanity.

Now I'm really going to study for chem, after I figure out what Princeton wants from me in terms of financial aid.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Took IB tests, lived away from my parents for a prolonged period of time, almost got published (this should really read "got my first rejection"), applied to college

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I never seem to keep them, but I keep making them. The two I remember from last year are to stop biting my nails and to memorize "Ode," a poem by Arthur O'Shaughnessy. Still a nail-biter, but I did memorize "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," which is longer and (in the scheme of things) more important than "Ode," anyway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
this is one of the rare years where the answer to this question is "none"

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
time to be an artist

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched on your memory, and why?
July 15 -- when I got my first real rejection letter
November 28 -- the first Humanities field trip, and my first real brush with a different kind of world and a new sort of freedom
June 25-July 14 -- EPGY Summer Institutes Creative Writing; "The Terra Era"
December 21 -- when I hugged Mr. Vargish and Mr. Fukuda, and gave scarves to Mr. Koger and Mr. Krucli
November 7 -- the first election year I've spent politically active

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving junior year

9. What was your biggest failure?
a stubborn determination not to acknolwedge the reality of certain situations

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
the usual allergy related stuff, but nothing serious and definitely nothing that required hospitalization

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my new laptop

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I don't know...

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
It's a rather long list, and it makes me appalled and depressed, so I'm not going to go into it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
books, Stanford, MUN

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Humanities, especially the English portion; writing my senior thesis; Stanford and EPGY; being done with junior year

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
I'm not much of a music-oriented person, to be honest; I'm not likely to remember this year in terms of a song. But off the top of my head, I think of "Vienna," "King of the World," "The Minstrel's Prayer," and "Running Alone" (it should say something that I think only one of those actually came out during 2006).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? happier
thinner or fatter? I don't know, probably about the same
richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
writing, thinking, loving, living

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying, crying, sighing, wishing without acting, hating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with friends and family, as always

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Was already there, but it deepened.

22. How many one-night stands?
Zero

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Prison Break, Project Runway, West Wing, X-Files

24. Are you angry at anyone now that you weren't angry at this time last year?
Definitely

25. What were the best books you read?
Regeneration by Julie E. Czerneda
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Proven Guilty by Jim Butcher
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen
Howl by Alan Ginsberg

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
As I said above, I'm not music-oriented. But I did "discover" that I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to music, and that I can take recommendations from almost anyone.

27. What did you want and get?
good scores on my APs and IBs, recognition from my peers, support in my writing endeavors

28. What did you want and not get?
Stanford

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
The Prestige or Happy Feet

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 17 and spent the day taking an IB Psych test.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
getting published by Julie

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
nonexistent, unless "dress how you feel" is a fashion concept

33. What kept you sane?
literature (as it always has), good friends, good teachers, hugs, peppermint, caramel, pretzels, warm milk

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Norbert Leo Butz

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
All of them; I count 2006 as my first year as a politically active citizen, and I wasted no time forming opinions about everything.

36. Who did you miss?
Katherine Simpson, Katherine Fosso, Luke, Paula, Steph J

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Katherine, Luke, Paula -- EPGY FOREVER!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learnt in 2006?
Do not let the actions, reactions, decisions, or judgments of others shape who you are: be truly yourself, and great things will fall into place for you.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. You're right.
You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.