in Life's name and for Life's sake

So far this weekend I've actually gotten things done. I had an interview with a Princeton alumna on Friday after school. She was pretty young -- maybe early twenties, definitely just graduated -- and I think it went pretty well. She was excited to hear that Jane Eyre was the most life-changing book of this past year for me, because she liked it, too. I liked her for that. I don't think I looked perfect, but I looked acceptable.

Yesterday...I don't even know what I did. Slept, mostly. Filled out scholarship stuff. Went to lunch and the movies with Rick, got home and did more scholarship stuff, then watched two movies with Corinne, one that made me cry and then one that made me laugh because I didn't want to go to bed crying. Today I did more scholarship stuff (this is becoming a trend) and went to church, then to the Spectrum with my family for lunch and a little shopping. I came home and got to work on my paper for Spanish, about Cuban science fiction, and it's already over the word minimum which is a good thing. I have more things to do, but that's the way it always goes. Overall, the long weekend is starting well -- I'm really glad I'm not at MUN.

I'm really not in the mood to do things.

Part of me things this is okay. I did things earlier today -- I basically finished my senior thesis; I got started on the IB Chem lab. I even did terms for MUN because we apparently have a test on Wednesday. I have a math quiz tomorrow which shouldn't be too bad, even though I haven't studied. I haven't done the English homework for Krucli yet.

Information permitting, I'm going to do my internal assessment for Spanish on Cuban science fiction. It's really crazy, actually; I just found some information on it that's very wow. And it's something I'd actually be interested in working with, almost.

However, I did manage to forget what hydrogen peroxide decomposed into. For some reason I thought it was oxygen and hydrogen, instead of oxygen and water. Heh. Wow. Not having the best of days!

My problem is that I go through periods of intense motivation followed by periods of intense malaise. I'm in one of those right now -- all I want to do is go to sleep. I can't, because there are still so many things for me to do. Well, not really "so many," but enough to keep me up.

I hate it that I have less work than I used to but I feel just as busy and even more annoyed, because when I actually had work it was enough to provide me with the motivation to do it. Now I have to find my own motivation for unexciting things, like the history paper and a chem presentation on school safety (I'm still working out how to do that one).

My life never moves at the speed I want it too. It's either too fast, so that I lose my breath trying to keep caught up, or too slow, so that I get bored and apathetic. I don't know which is worse.

I've got a piece of paper on my whiteboard that's been there since some time junior year. It's got a quote one it: "Better to burn out than to fade away." I say this...but some days I don't know. I'd like to go out with a bang...but sometimes it seems like the best anyone can do is a whimper.

So...still sick, and really really really not wanting to do anything. Still have to finish position papers for Berkeley...should probably do that right now, though I really don't want to. And should probably get working on the homework I missed out on in school today -- I know there's another section of math for sure.

Oh, and then there are a bajillion scholarships with deadlines in the next fifteen days, so I need to get working on those, too. Oh boy.

Mostly I need to CONCENTRATE so that I can get things done.

Haven't started finishing the chem homework yet -- but I've only got about 80% of it left, so I should be okay? Soon as I got home from school I started working on position papers for HBHSMUN. Got those out of the way. I actually really liked them -- it was interesting to write about different topics for once, and ones with more modern significance and importance: Torture/Treatment of Prisoners and the Trial of Human Rights Violators. Both got related to Iraq, making them seem contemporary, but really the problems are as old as man.

But to make a long story short...still have to do the Chem. I felt like I understood it today in class, but there's this niggling fear in the back of my mind that I really don't, and that when I sit down in a minute or so to do homework, it'll rear its ugly head at me and laugh. So...fingers crossed? Because if I don't get to it now, I never will.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Took IB tests, lived away from my parents for a prolonged period of time, almost got published (this should really read "got my first rejection"), applied to college

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I never seem to keep them, but I keep making them. The two I remember from last year are to stop biting my nails and to memorize "Ode," a poem by Arthur O'Shaughnessy. Still a nail-biter, but I did memorize "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," which is longer and (in the scheme of things) more important than "Ode," anyway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
this is one of the rare years where the answer to this question is "none"

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
time to be an artist

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched on your memory, and why?
July 15 -- when I got my first real rejection letter
November 28 -- the first Humanities field trip, and my first real brush with a different kind of world and a new sort of freedom
June 25-July 14 -- EPGY Summer Institutes Creative Writing; "The Terra Era"
December 21 -- when I hugged Mr. Vargish and Mr. Fukuda, and gave scarves to Mr. Koger and Mr. Krucli
November 7 -- the first election year I've spent politically active

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving junior year

9. What was your biggest failure?
a stubborn determination not to acknolwedge the reality of certain situations

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
the usual allergy related stuff, but nothing serious and definitely nothing that required hospitalization

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my new laptop

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I don't know...

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
It's a rather long list, and it makes me appalled and depressed, so I'm not going to go into it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
books, Stanford, MUN

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Humanities, especially the English portion; writing my senior thesis; Stanford and EPGY; being done with junior year

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
I'm not much of a music-oriented person, to be honest; I'm not likely to remember this year in terms of a song. But off the top of my head, I think of "Vienna," "King of the World," "The Minstrel's Prayer," and "Running Alone" (it should say something that I think only one of those actually came out during 2006).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? happier
thinner or fatter? I don't know, probably about the same
richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
writing, thinking, loving, living

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying, crying, sighing, wishing without acting, hating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with friends and family, as always

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Was already there, but it deepened.

22. How many one-night stands?
Zero

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Prison Break, Project Runway, West Wing, X-Files

24. Are you angry at anyone now that you weren't angry at this time last year?
Definitely

25. What were the best books you read?
Regeneration by Julie E. Czerneda
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Proven Guilty by Jim Butcher
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen
Howl by Alan Ginsberg

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
As I said above, I'm not music-oriented. But I did "discover" that I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to music, and that I can take recommendations from almost anyone.

27. What did you want and get?
good scores on my APs and IBs, recognition from my peers, support in my writing endeavors

28. What did you want and not get?
Stanford

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
The Prestige or Happy Feet

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 17 and spent the day taking an IB Psych test.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
getting published by Julie

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
nonexistent, unless "dress how you feel" is a fashion concept

33. What kept you sane?
literature (as it always has), good friends, good teachers, hugs, peppermint, caramel, pretzels, warm milk

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Norbert Leo Butz

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
All of them; I count 2006 as my first year as a politically active citizen, and I wasted no time forming opinions about everything.

36. Who did you miss?
Katherine Simpson, Katherine Fosso, Luke, Paula, Steph J

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Katherine, Luke, Paula -- EPGY FOREVER!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learnt in 2006?
Do not let the actions, reactions, decisions, or judgments of others shape who you are: be truly yourself, and great things will fall into place for you.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. You're right.
You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.

Well, I managed to get two of the three resolutions for Tustin done. I actually found this awesome old resolution from a different conference 2 years ago on one of the same topics, and I ended up just using it as my resolution -- I'd totally forgotten I had it! And here I thought I'd have to go and do real research. I still have to spend some time on the third resolution, but thankfully it'll be less time than I thought.

Luke mentioned something a while ago about me always writing "sad lists" instead of happy ones. Well, Luke, hope these balance out all right for you.

Things I Have to Do:
--finish the last resolution for Tustin
--read Unit 2 of American Government by ?
--read Chemistry book Ch. 8 & 9
--do Chemistry lab
--make Chemistry flashcards on Ch. 8
--print out Ch. 8 homework answers (still Chem)
--do crumpled paper sketch for art
--perfect Spanish essay
--read more Faust
--perfect "emotion vs. reason" essay
--annotate 2 more articles for the election
--print out election notes
--write final essay for Princeton
--write final essay for UCs

Things I Want to Do:
--plan out more aliens for Kes to run into
--spiff up the cover picture I drew to the point where I actually feel it looks decent
--go to the library
--check out Beauty by Robin McKinley
--read the new John Moore book
--finish reading that one book about Maid Marian
--eat In 'N' Out
--teach Corinne how to use Dad's old Pocket PC
--browse around on the nanowrimo.org forums
--write my Christmas list
--put the finishing touches on my costume
--try on my new dress
--listen to Switchfoot's first album
--run in the rain (if the weather obliges)

See, Luke -- they're even.

Now I'm off to alternate between the lists until they're both done.

So I haven't updated in a while.

Well, life is pretty much life, whether or not it's being written about.

I was at an MUN conference this weekend. I got another gavel, but somehow it's not as satisfying to say that as it used to be. I used to be excited by winning, now I'm just relieved that I'm not losing. I do enjoy parts of it, and I think I'm slightly defined by my role in MUN...but I've pretty much decided not to pursue it in college. This is going to be my last year.

We're working on the mock election for Humanities, which is pretty cool.

And now I have to go eat dinner. More later if homework allows.

I sat down 45 minutes ago to do my Spanish homework. As you can possibly tell, it's not gotten done. Ah, the problems of having a laptop that I can quickly turn on & off, as opposed to my PC's slower boot-up time.

So to make this entry useful, an extensive to-do list.

--Spanish homework (historia questions)
--sketchbook pages for Art
--Chem hw
--Humanities skit
--study for AP Calc
--memorize polyatomic ions for AP Chem
--write topic synopsis for MUN
--fill out & return computer rebate forms
--complete Stanford application
--write Stanford essays
--copy transcript (x3)
--mail Matt letter of rec forms (Stanford)
--give Mrs. McClure & Mr. Moore letter of rec forms (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--give counselor forms to guidance office (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--ask Dad if midyear school report forms are given to guidance now or later
--write Princeton essays
--write Harvard essays (aka copy & paste appropriate Stanford & Princeton essays)
--apply for scholarships
--apply for financial aid
--ask Dad how to apply for financial aid
--sign up for driver's training

The list scares me. I'm done now.

So I've done this before--the update in a minute thing--and I actually sort of like it becaue it forces me to get stuff out quickly.

I went to Disneyland yesterday and my sister's friend had Aladdin sign her pants, which was pretty cool. I had a good time.

MUN is not FUN at the moment, but it's getting to be resolved and I had a nice long talk with Tony that made me feel really good.

School starts in less than a week and I'm having nightmares about it but they're not too bad.

So I haven't updated in a while, mostly because since econ's gotten out, I haven't been doing too much. Now, that's not a bad thing -- but I also haven't been doing some of the things that I wanted to get done. However, I did read Lord of the Flies and I just started Life of Pi this morning.

I can probably cover most of the happenings in my future by simply reading them off of the whiteboard that I keep on my bedroom door. there's al ist in the middle in red, of things I really need to focus on, which reads: college apps, laptop, driver's ed, scholarships.

The Stanford app is now online, so I want to start at least looking it over...since I'm applying early action there, it's gotta be in by November 1st. Also, I'm planning on buying a laptop, but I haven't really sat down to get it done yet. I just finished my online driver's ed course after almost a year of having been signed up, but now I have to wait for the certificate to come so that I can work on getting my permit. And as for scholarships, I got an account on Fastweb and realized how many there are out there, and how many I could potentially get. So I figure the sooner I start applying, the better. Even if it's just me scribbling out an essay in my free time, I write well enough that I've got a shot at most of the essay contests.

Also on the board, scrawled excitedly in blue, is the single word WICKED, underlined several times. It's in Orange County now, at OCPAT, but I hadn't managed to get tickets when they went on sale so I wasn't planning on going. However, it turns out that Rick's grandmother gets season tickets to OCPAT, and she didn't have anyone to drive her to see Wicked since Rick's parents are going out of town this weekend, so she gave us the tickets!!! We're seeing the matinee on Saturday; I'm really excited.

Also, MUN summer sessions have been going on for two weeks now; today's the third session. Tony's teaching, so it should be fun.

I went to Disneyland yesterday with Rick, which was good fun. Hurrah for season passes.

All of this has been interspersed with knitting and watching X-Files. After lunch, it might also involve some reading of fanfiction, purely for entertainment. Hope you all are having good summers.

And lastly, before I leave...



Damn, looks like I'm gonna blow up. Ah, well, can't have everything.