in Life's name and for Life's sake

You know you're going insane when the conversations you have with yourself don't even make sense.

ME: Why does it get dark so early?
ME: Because you haven't written a to-do list, that's why!

But seriously: it starts getting dark around 3:30pm and the sun has set by 4:30pm. I am sick and sort of have cramps and wish I had a comfy couch on which to do my reading but there are NO COUCHES. Anywhere. Just my bed, but if I read on my bed I will sleep. Also, I have not written a to-do list. Or rather, I did right before Andy showed up, but now I've managed to lose it. Probably this means I won't do anything. Go figure.

Also, there is no water working in my flat so I cannot even make myself tea. Probably I will go to a cafe and try to find an armchair (a poor substitute for a couch) and do some actual reading.

Yeah. Right.

I don't know how this semester has flown by so fast...

Well, this marks Year Four of not killing myself during November -- at least, not physically. Metaphysically, this is probably a different story.

I've got 25 pages worth of papers due within the next week, but by 11am a week from today, I am essentially done. My finals for once are all going to be easy: in both my humanities classes that have finals, my profs have promised that the tests will contain no actual long essays and will only take up an hour and a half of the three-hour time slot allocated for finals. In my bio class, I might not even need to take the final since I'm taking the course pass/fail and a 70% is a pass. Currently I think I have a high ninetysomething.

So really -- I need to make it through the week. And if I can do that, it'll all be okay.

Is it a bad thing that I don't want to write right now?  Sure, I had a 5k day yesterday, but I'm not gonna have a chance tomorrow for most of the day, so shouldn't I write now?

And I'm so tired.  I'd forgotten what it was like to wake up early.  I got up at 6:30AM because I went with Corinne to school today.  Granted, usually when I wake up that early I've gotten to sleep early enough that I still get a decent sleep.

Last night, I really couldn't fall asleep.  I had this weird pain in my calves, almost like the growing pain sensations you get when you're younger.  And I was always either too hot or too cold.  And to top it all off, my bed here is shorter than my bed in Berkeley, so I'm used to having a larger matress to stretch out on, whereas here my toes are a bit cramped.

So at maybe 10:15PM last night I decided to go to sleep.  I've been falling asleep listening to the audiobook of Jane Eyre, because the voices are soothing.  So I got in bed and turned it on and was listening, but then it got to a boring part and I wasn't feeling tired at all and so I stopped the tape to fall asleep on my own.  That really didn't work.  There was lots of tossing and turning involved -- how much, I don't know, since I make a point of never looking at my watch because if I do it's impossible for me to fall asleep.

So I couldn't fall asleep, and I had maybe sixty pages left in the book I'd been reading.  Maybe a little more than that, actually.  So I decided I'd read until I felt tired and then fall asleep.

Finished the book (and it was a good one) without being tired.  Bully for me.  So I tried the tactic of listening to the audiobook again.  Again, didn't quite go the way I'd planned.  I stopped after five minutes and decided I'd read the next book in the series.  By this time I really didn't think I was going to fall asleep any time soon, so who cares?  So I read fifty or so pages into the next book, up until a point where it got a little boring, and then when I tried to fall asleep it worked.

Today was good because I got to see and talk with a bunch of teachers I'd missed.  But I got a headache around lunch and it's still here.  Sucks unbelievably.

Yeah, with all of this I think it's okay if I don't write, but that just means I'll have to catch up later, and I hate playing catch-up.

Yesterday was my last real day of high school, and I don't know what to do.

Unlike most people, I've never taken  too well to summers.  I mean, I like them because they give me free time to do things I want to do rather than things I have to do.  But they also make me feel undefined.  I've always defined myself to a large extent by school.  I'm a student, I'm a learner, I'm a pupil.  I go to Del Cerro, I go to La Paz, I go to Mission.  But the transitions from one to another aren't always smooth.  I'm reminded of something from Beverly Cleary's book called Ramona Quimby, Age Eight.  The main character didn't liked it when people asked her what grade she was in during the summer months, because she felt like she couldn't give the right answer.  She wasn't in second grade -- she'd already finished with that -- but she wasn't in third grade -- it was still off in her future.

That feeling of gradelessness, of a lack of definition, is what is starting to set in already, and it's one of the things I don't like.

But back to Friday.  The hardest part was without a doubt the fact that I had to leave my teachers.  I'm not worried about leaving my friends.  I have come to understand over the past few years that friendships that are meant to be will last.  This doesn't mean that they won't require time and effort...but if you want it to happen, then you will put the time and effort into it, and it will.  However, the same can't really be said of the teachers I know.  Sure, I'll come back to visit them, but it will be a return as an outsider.  I will never again be their student in truth, though I will always feel like it in my heart.

And it feels like there are things they could have still taught me, things that I need to learn from them, but that I never will, because now I'm gone.  When I see my favorite teachers again, it will be through a new lens, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  And it's not just the teachers I've had this year, like Fukuda, Koger, and Krucli -- the realization is there when I thnk of teachers I've had in past years, like the McClures or Vargish or skinny Moore, who will never again be just a few classrooms away.  In the past I've never really left the teachers I've loved.  Now, I have to.

And part of me knows that I have to, part of me understands that it's a part of my personal journey, part of me knows that there really isn't anything else left for them to teach.  On a basic level, I can comprehend that there is something bigger than Mission Viejo High School calling to me, and that it is a call I will need to answer.  The things I have learned along the way will be used to help me through the road of trials that lies ahead.  I know that by holding on to these teachers, and by feeling that there is still something they have to teach me, I am refusing the call.  I know that this must stop if I am to grow up and become my own person.

But I also know that the journey will change me, and I'm worried that once I cross the return threshold and come back to see them in a few months or a year, everything will have changed and they will no longer mean to me what they once did.  I'm afraid that their significance will diminish with distance, and I desperately don't want that to happen, because they have shaped my life so greatly and I don't know how I could continue to be the person that I am if I forgot them.  

So I won't forget them.  

I won't forget Mr. Koger's crazy stories about the time his friends backpacked through Europe, or his guitar skills, or his flattery, or the way it feels to hug him.  

I won't forget Mr. Krucli's ability to let us teach ourselves and to honestly and openly discuss literature with us as though we were his equals in age and knowledge, nor will I forget his smile or his odd anecdotes or his tendency to form personal relationships with his students.  

I won't forgeth Mr. Fukuda's "mkays," or the way he always hassled me about my calculator, or the way that he seemed genuinely proud of everything his students managed to do right.  

I won't forget Mr. Vargish's ability to make history come alive, or his trademark sayings, or his genuine affection for me and that one hug I got from him, or the way he teared up at the end of Casablanca.  

I won't forget Mrs. McClure's unwavering support for all of my English efforts, or the way she's been a part of my life since freshman year, or her uncanny ability to draw me into a conversation that will last much longer than it needs to.  

I won't forget Mr. McClure's laughter, or his recitation of poetry, or his impossible style of teaching that nonetheless brought out the best in all of his students and helped them to never fear English again.  

I won't forget Mr. Mark Moore, for his ridiculous school spirit, or for acting like everyone's best great-uncle, or for being genuinely excited about the math that he taught, even if others didn't see it.  

I can't forget them all, because I am them all.  They are as much a part of me as my friends and my family; to borrow a phrase from Julie E. Czerneda, they too are my heart-kin.  Forgetting them?  Why, that would be impossible.

I have an IB English test tomorrow, IB History and Chemistry next week along with AP Calc, followed by AP Chem and IB Spanish. I have homework due tomorrow in several classes, and a short story to write in 13 days.

So of course, I just spent the last forty-five minutes watching one of the best episodes of X-Files I've ever seen.

Testing can wait.

Way too many things to do. Finished the novel for NaNoWriMo...but when I say "finished," all I really mean is that I've met my goal for the wordcount. It's 60,102 words long, but in terms of plot it's no where near to being done (because a whole lot of the writing is pointless filler that will be deleted in a final version).

Humanities essay test tomorrow. Slightly looking forward to it (I know that sounds insane and I'm going to get things thrown at me [and I deserve it] but I like World War I and I like the way that IB expects us to treat things). Nonetheless, will prepare for it.

Spanish story to read. Don't want to read it -- I hear it's boring. Oh well. I find it funny as I am looking through the book that the editors specifically mention having chosen for their "entertaining nature and plotlines which will make students want to read them." Yeah. Right. Have to do the analysis questions for it, too.

Art sketchbook. I'm two pages behind, but I'll manage -- that's something I can do really quickly if necessary.

Chemistry homework, which I probably won't even touch because I don't want to.

Jane Eyre continues to like me, and I continue to like it (though at the moment the characters are being WAY TOO DUMB).

Calculus homework. Don't think I'll do it, either, though it's probably due tomorrow or soon thereafter.

On an off note, I think I am going to try next year, starting on December 25th, to read 52 books in as many weeks, like Steph J did (is doing still, I suppose). I think it's a really awesome goal. I spend so much time writing and reading that I might as well set a reachable goal for it, and I like the idea of working toward something for a long period of time. Soon I'll make a list of books I need to read which I haven't yet -- suggestions are quite welcome.

--Humanities skit
--memorize polyatomic ions for AP Chem
--study for AP Chem test
--complete Stanford application
--write Stanford essays
--copy transcript (x3)
--give counselor forms to guidance office (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--ask Dad if midyear school report forms are given to guidance now or later
--write Princeton essays
--write Harvard essays (aka copy & paste appropriate Stanford & Princeton essays)
--apply for scholarships
--apply for financial aid
--ask Dad how to apply for financial aid
--sign up for driver's training

Well, the list is a lot shorter now that I've finished my topic synopsis--at least, it seems a lot shorter, and that's a good thing. I've been working on the synopsis for the majority of the morning, since 9:30 maybe, which means that it took me all of three hours to do. I like the topic of peacekeeping reform--it's only really been an issue for the last ten years, so I didn't have to do insane historical research like you usually have to do for topics like that.

Now I can spend the rest of today working on chemistry, Stanford essays, and getting together Steph B.'s birthday present. Really, that doesn't sound too bad.

I sat down 45 minutes ago to do my Spanish homework. As you can possibly tell, it's not gotten done. Ah, the problems of having a laptop that I can quickly turn on & off, as opposed to my PC's slower boot-up time.

So to make this entry useful, an extensive to-do list.

--Spanish homework (historia questions)
--sketchbook pages for Art
--Chem hw
--Humanities skit
--study for AP Calc
--memorize polyatomic ions for AP Chem
--write topic synopsis for MUN
--fill out & return computer rebate forms
--complete Stanford application
--write Stanford essays
--copy transcript (x3)
--mail Matt letter of rec forms (Stanford)
--give Mrs. McClure & Mr. Moore letter of rec forms (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--give counselor forms to guidance office (Stanford, Harvard, Princeton)
--ask Dad if midyear school report forms are given to guidance now or later
--write Princeton essays
--write Harvard essays (aka copy & paste appropriate Stanford & Princeton essays)
--apply for scholarships
--apply for financial aid
--ask Dad how to apply for financial aid
--sign up for driver's training

The list scares me. I'm done now.

So I've done this before--the update in a minute thing--and I actually sort of like it becaue it forces me to get stuff out quickly.

I went to Disneyland yesterday and my sister's friend had Aladdin sign her pants, which was pretty cool. I had a good time.

MUN is not FUN at the moment, but it's getting to be resolved and I had a nice long talk with Tony that made me feel really good.

School starts in less than a week and I'm having nightmares about it but they're not too bad.

Schedule!

1 - Spanish 4
2 - Art Fundamentals
3 - AP Chem with Mr. Fukuda
4 - Humanities
5 - Humanities
6 - AP Calc BC
7 - MUN

Really not too bad; I can live with it. And my sister might end up in my art class, which is really cool.

I haven't been doing much that's actually productive, though I have started thinking through college applications. I realized I'm only sending out four -- one for Stanford (early action), one for the UCs (I'm applying to 3 of them but I only need the one app), one for Princeton, and one for Harvard.

And the last two are mostly for fun! Though if by some freak occurrence I didn't get into Stanford yet got into one of those, I'd go check it out at least. I'd definitely consider Princeton if I didn't get into Stanford or Berkeley. Granted, it seems unlikely that I'd get *in* to Princeton if I didn't make it to Stanford or Berkeley.

More or less, I'm applying to Harvard for fun -- because I can. As far as how much I'd like to go there, my college list looks like this, from most amazing to least amazing.

1. Stanford
2. UC Berkeley
3. Princeton
4. UCLA
5. Harvard
6. UCI (or whatever other UC I decide to apply to as a safety)

On a completely unrelated note, I've been knitting a lot lately.

And before I get completely sidetracked in a rambly sort of way, I think I'm gonna stop and watch some Prison Break on DVD.