in Life's name and for Life's sake

It's funny, really. Because I'm sitting here in the wake of my first ever rejection letter, and yet I'm smiling.

I don't even know why, completely. Part of me feels like I should be sobbing at this lost chance. But then another part of me remembers that last day of class at Stanford, when Matt pulled out his folder of shame and showed us his rejection letters, passing them around the table for everyone to read and absorb. We felt his pain through the lines they wrote.

I remember Grisha talking about how he keeps his first ever acceptance letter with him at all times, to give him inspiration or comfort or whatever he needs. And it's funny, because I've been thinking about printing out the e-mail Julie sent me and doing the same thing with it.

Because I realized, my first rejection doesn't just mean my first rejection. It also means the first time I tried. The first time where there was a chance that what would be coming in the mail was an acceptance. It was a taste of greatness, even for a moment. When I saw who the letter was from, adrenaline rushed through me and settled in the pit of my stomach as I scanned the message, looking for the yes or the no. For half a second I thought, "This is it!" But when it wasn't, I realized that that didn't matter -- the feeling I'd had for that half a second was good enough to keep me writing.

And as far as I can tell, my story wasn't rejected because the writing was bad. In fact, Julie had a lot of things good to say for it. The main thing she mentioned in why my story wasn't accepted was that it strayed from the topic of polar science, and that she had to give room in the anthology to people whose plots had focused more around the direct sciences. Which is understandable, considering that I know nothing about polar science and this anthology is supposed to be used as a teaching tool in science classrooms.

If anything, this rejection has encouraged me. I feel like so much more of a writer now that I can say "Look here, see this, this was the letter where I got rejected." Because what it really means is, "Look here, see this, this was the letter where I could've been accepted."

So I'm happy -- I re-sent my story for Polaris and got a confirmation e-mail this time. Huzzah! Therefore all my worries are over, and I can focus on the really awesome stories that I'm going to write.

There are so many awesome things happening!

I'm sorry, I took a kind of a nap earlier and so now I'm really radically awake. And this is having some unforseen consequences.

I feel like I'm really getting to know the people here. I feel slightly guilty because there are a bunch of Asian girls who I can't tell apart, but that's probably because they're not in my class, and really, I'm working on it.

On a positive note, I have managed to distinguish between 4 different Katherines and remember which different nicknames they go by (2 Katies, 1 Kate, 1 Katherine).

And all of the people in my class seem interesting. The girls are nice, the boys are funny. Right now, everything is fairly wonderful.

Tomorrow morning, early, I leave to drive up to Stanford, where I'll be staying for three weeks taking a creative writing course. I don't know if I'll have e-mail access (they said specifically not to bring laptops) but I will be writing to people via snail mail -- I did bring stationery. So if you want some letters, let me know your address. I don't have mine on hand now; I'll post it later. If you want to e-mail me during the time I'm there, the address I'll be using is readingredhead07@yahoo.com.

That said, there are things I have to do:
--Revise & submit short story
--pack clothing
--pack all the other stuff I need
--get all my writing onto a flash drive & print out some of my favorite pieces to bring with
--clean up my room (mother's orders)

It seems like less when I write it down but it's really a lot.

Oh, and if you haven't already, read my story!!! I posted the first draft in my last entry and I really want feedback, but as soon as I submit my final copy, the story portion of that entry will be deleted. Please, I really want feedback....pretty please?

Hm...for some reason my eyes hurt. I don't know why; I just don't feel like keeping them open. So I'm sitting here in the MUN room and listening to all of the signs of lie in the background, combined with the sound of my fingers on the keyboard. It's interesting to figure out what you can sense with your eyes closed. As I sit typing this, I feel at once a part of and yet outside of at least five different conversations that are going on right now. There's the group watching the World Cup in the background, Shashank and Kevin playing chess, Casey and Alex talking about who knows what, Evan Foreman, Mr. Trevino trying to control it all...

Somehow, with my eyes closed, it seems a lot more interesting in here. When I open my eyes I'm subjected to the reality of everything. Conversations become clearer, more intrusive, tackling my consciousness and destroying my drive to write. With my eyes closed, I wasn't nearly as bothered by the world.

This, I think, is why I type: because I can't handwrite with my eyes shut, but typing, at home on my on computer, I don't have to have my eyes. Taking away one sense... I don't know if it really heightens all of the other senses, but I do know that for me it's a worthwhile experience.

And right now I am procrastinating, but I decided a long time ago that as long as I'm writing, I'm not procrastinating as much as I could be. Who knows when thought will come up that I initially find trivial but that later on becomes something important?

Which reminds me of something that I was thinking of yesterday. I want to write a story called "Happy Endings." One major character would be a man who writes stories prolifically but doesn't know how to make them end, and so he abandons them and starts new ones. He's never finished a story; he writes only beginnings. So he puts out an ad for someone willing to write the endings for his stories... I don't know what kind of story that would turn into but at the same time it would be interesting no matter what it evolved into. I want it to be pseudo-fantasy, I think, or at least not completely real...but who can say what is completely real and what isn't?

Changing topics slightly: I think that I'm feeling pretty good about my short story for Polaris. I had a bit of a hard time at it, but the story's now at slightly above 3000 words. I think that the rest of it will be a bit easier than the beginning. Granted, whether or not this is the case is a bit of a sketchy thing -- I won't be able to really tell until I'm done.

But I am fairly confident that I will be able to finish it, at least, and that's always a good thing. Not only do I think I'll finish it, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to finish it well. Then again (once again) I won't know until it's over.

In my writing I am inspired by so many people. Julie E. Czerneda, of course, but also J. K. Rowling (the reason I decided to be a writer), Diane Duane (who has written sci-fi/fantasy which has taught me a more active morality -- kind of funny, considering her work's been boycotted by some Christians since she's an atheist), Jim Butcher (whose first person stuff is great)...actually at the moment those are all of the writers I can think of. But they're only a small portion of those who have kept me writing. My family deserves a mention. Corinne, with her witty cracks that I write down for use in later books, who has leant her nickname to a book I'll someday complete; Carissa, who will always read through what I've written (eventually) and be straight about what she thinks; Mom, for bringing me warm milk and feeding me (because if she didn't I'd die of starvation); and finally Dad, for telling me that science fiction is pointless and that I'll go nowhere with it yet still reading anything I hand him and giving me insightful commentary on it (I think the hating sf thing is more of a face now than a true belief).

And of course all of you, my friends. I'd name off everything you've done for me but I don't have the time left on the computer, so suffice it to say that you all have helped me in ways you probably don't even know. Thank you all.

Okay, I don't have much to say, but I thought I'd throw this out there before I forget.

I'm looking for names. Weird names, normal names, guy names, girl names -- human names, admittedly, but still names. Because I have this odd tendency to pick names for characters before I create them, and it's nice to know the pool I have to pick from ahead of time.

Just for background, these would be for the Polaris short story I'm going to write. I've almost completely decided to go with my second idea, involving the poles of Mars. This means that most of the characters in my story would either be scientists or scientists' kids. It's set a fair bit into the future, so uncommon names are fine.

I think that this post is my brain trying to procrastinate without letting me know that it's procrastinating. Ah well, at least I'm getting a head start on something...