(no subject)

I just has this odd rush of anxiety -- you know, the kind that builds up suddenly in your stomach and you're looking around you to figure out why it happened -- and I'm almost positive there was something specific that I was feeling anxious about, but the feeling vanished almost immediately and now I have no clue what it was! None at all! All I've got is this lingering back-of-the-head feeling (except it's in my stomach) that there's something I ought to be doing now that I'm not, something big that I'm missing.

Let's just hope that something big decides to expose itself before I mess something up.

In other news, I'm having issues with two classes: Shakespeare because the professor is so boring I want to die a little every time I go to his class, and Russian history because for the first time in a long time, although the prof is amazing and presents the material in an enjoyable way, I may not want to put in the effort it takes to get the A. This is not a problem in the Shakespeare class; it may be boring as hell but I got great grades on the first paper and the midterm. But for Russian history, the only grades are the midterm and final. I got an A- on the midterm, which covered much less than the final and is only worth 40% of my grade.

I understand this is nothing to worry about because 1) the lowest I will realistically get in the class is a B and 2) in the real world people get B's all the time, but I'm psycho and that's just the way these things happen for me.

Other than that, I'm stuck somewhere in creative limbo. I've been revising short stories for too long, I need to write something original. Also I need to read. I have five new books that just came in the mail, all with varying degrees of awesome, but I have so much homework-y stuff to do that I've promised myself I won't start in on them until after dinner on Sunday.

The weeks since the end of Spring Break have just been flying by...and I'm sad that the semester is ending. I don't know if I want to spend my whole summer back in marvelous socal suburbia. I've caught the Berkeley bug, but now it's too late to look into getting a job and housing to stay up here over the summer. If I'd thought about it earlier -- okay, let's be realistic, if I'd realized earlier that the things that were tying me to home were not going to be there by the time summer came around -- I could've gotten an internship or something and stayed up here. But now I'm applying to jobs back home. Menial stuff really. I'd love to get hired at the Borders just so I could work with all those books, and I'm also applying to be a library page. We'll see how that goes. Either way, I've got an excruciatingly free summer.

And yes, it's also basically too late to think about summer school classes.

I never thought I would be sitting here and wishing that I didn't have to go home for the summer. I thought I would love this place, but I don't know if I ever realized I would love it as much as (or more than) "home."

(no subject)

From  rondaview: 10 random things, facts, goals, or habits about yourself.

1. When I'm sitting at a computer and not sure what to write, I have a habit of drumming my fingers on the keys (it's actually a rather soothing noise).

2. I like small spaces as long as they're not completely enclosed; for instance, if the world is too noisy I'll go sit under a desk or in a corner (especially in the middle of an aisle of books in a library or bookstore) and read or write there.

3. I do not have a personal goal greater than the ability to make a living as a writer.  There are big world goals (curing cancer, ending poverty, etc.) that are more important to me, but on a personal scale, there is nothing that will ever make me feel so vindicated as knowing that I have turned my passion into a paying career.

4. I alphabetize my bookshelves by last name of author and have been doing so since the fourth grade.  I have considerably more books (and shelves) now.

5. I don't particularly want to be an astronaut, nor do I think I'm fit to be one, but I've always wanted to go to the moon for the chance of looking down and seeing Earth from such an immensely different perspective.

6. Sometimes if I look at asphalt for too long it feels like the blackness of it washes out and the contrast with the sky becomes really interesting, especially on an overcast day.

7. I'm secrety afraid that I have no real life experience and therefore nothing to write about.

8. I have yet to feel absolutely comfortable (and not ridiculous) while dancing.

9. I absolutely love the anime art style and wish that I could draw like that.  Really, I wish I could draw, period.  But anime and manga art is just so intensely awesome for me.

10. The most attractive quality a person can have is enthusiastic ambition in whatever field they've chosen.  I'm drawn to people who are trying to be the best, but not because they feel some need to beat others -- simply because they feel an inward drive to be the best kind of person they know how.

...and now I really have to do homework.