Grrrrrrrr.............

[readingredhead]

So I hate writers, again, because I want to be one so damn much.

There are so many thoughts that go through my head, all the time, constantly and consistently, but those are all that they are: ideas. It takes a helluva lot of work to turn them into stories, and I'm not sure I have that kind of patience. I mean, I get too easily bored of stuff like that.

But I think also my ambition is one of my worst enemies because it makes me feel like I should be spectacular NOW, that I can't wait until I'm grown up and have seen the world to write -- that I have to do it all NOW, because I CAN, because I WANT to, and because that's what I said I'd do, dammit! I said to myself a long time ago that I'd write a book and have it published before I was out of high school. I think it's not going to happen but every now and then I catch back onto that dream as a crazy fantasy that just might come true.

I'm young. Who knows what I'll do with my life? Except there's the thing -- I might not know what I *am* going to do with my life but I know what I *want* to do with my life. It comes in a pretty simple, one word sentence: WRITE. Write, and keep going, and never have to stop. I want to be that one author in a million who gets to write for a living. I don't know if I can do it; I don't know if I have it in me to do it. I always question myself.

But I think, someteims, that the questioning makes me stronger because it allows me to reaffirm the fact that YES, I want to write, and I'm not going to be stopped. I want to be the girl who gets into Stanford because she published a novel...and while that may not happen, I'm still *going* to publish a novel. That's how I have to think about it; any other way of looking at it makes me feel like I can't do it. But I *can* do it, I *know* I can...

...so I will. I'll talk to ya later, folks -- I've got a story to write.

Comments

[readingredhead.livejournal.com]

I...don't know. I don't know if there's a difference. It's like I start to write and then there's something inside of me that needs to get out, all of these ideas in my head that really deserve to make it onto the paper, and sometimes I feel like I'm just a vessel for it but other times I feel myself actively shaping and creating a new world with new people and new places and I love that, just as much as I love any moment of it. I'm just impatient, is all; not only do I want the fame and stardom, but I want it *now.* For me, writing is like thinking: it's not something I could stop even if I tried.