Thinking...

[readingredhead]

My life hasn't been to insanely busy lately, but my thoughts have been. I feel like, even when I'm sitting still, they're all buzzing around, vying for my attention. There are so many things I want to do, even at this particular moment: read, write, talk on the phone, watch a movie, organize my binders, study math. And there are so many things that sometimes it's difficult to decide which of them is most important.

We did a socratic seminar today on Einstein's "Science and Religion," which I really liked. A lot of what he says is stuff I can agree with, especially about the nature of religion. My favorite line, out of the entire piece, is without a doubt

"For a doctrine which is able to maintain itself not in clear light but only in the dark, will of necessity lose its effect on mankind, with incalculable harm to human progress."

It's what I've always been trying to say about religion -- no matter what you believe in, if your beliefs don't hold up to the light, it's time you question them. If you've never tried to hold them up against that clarity, then start. If people don't realize that faith has to make some sense, we'll keep going on with this whole nonsense of religious wars for ever. Sheesh!

I'm too easily distracted, which is part of my problem. I wanted to read, then I wanted to write, but I always feel like I never have enough time to really read and become absorbed by it, or to write and get to the point where the words flow effortlessly. But should it matter that the words are hard sometimes, if I'm not with them long enough? I should still be able to shape them, or let them shape me.

I want to write a novel. If wishes were novels, I'd be as prolific as McCaffrey, or Asimov! But wishes aren't novels, though novels are the answers to some wishes.

I want to write something that's important to more people than just me. I want to write something that leaves the proverbial sock drawer of my existence. I wonder what Harvard will think of "Fire and Ice" (one of my short stories I sent in as an additional submission with the application). I wonder if they'll like it or not. I wonder if The New Yorker would like it. I wonder why I haven't just submitted it and given it a try already. I wonder why I'm letting the world in on my wonderings. Dammit, I want an audience bigger than this, a stage larger, and this is getting me nowhere closer to it!

But at least I want, and wonder, and wish -- because the real problem is with the absence of desire, the lack of will, that leads to death and obscurity. God, let me never fear that worst of darknesses.

Comments

[incaseineedyou.livejournal.com]

I really liked that seminar, even though in my group it turned into a debate about how to serve God, and more than half the group only talked about one quote, about science being unable to disprove religion- and they didn't acknowledge the preceding section, which explained that this is because science and religion are not by definition two things which can be placed opposite eachother, but instead used it as proof that religion is older and explains things that science can't. But oh well.

My favorite line was near the beginning: "It seems to me that what is important is the force of this super-personal content and the depth of the conviction concerining its overpowering meaningfulness, regardless of whether any attempt is made to unite this content with a Divine Being..."

[readingredhead.livejournal.com]

That was my second-favorite line -- I loved the idea of the "super-personal," and kept coming back to it when I talked. I was pretty glad that my group managed to take in all sides of the passage -- I didn't notice anyone getting offensive or off-topic. We actually talked about some things with meaning??? A new experience.

[(Anonymous)]

Kim and I walked into my group, and Tony was like "Thank God!" Haha. And then I stuttered whenever I tried to say anything so I didn't end up saving him anyway. Not that I didn't like the people in my group. It was just hard to keep them on the topic of what the passage was actually about.
I'm happy for you though, that your group actually had meaningful things to say. I'm also slightly jealous, but I'll get over it.