in Life's name and for Life's sake

Of course, I should have been spending the last two hours studying for the hardest chemistry test of the year.  Instead, I have spent them re-reading a Phantom of the Opera fanfic and creating a new userpic.  Oh, and having a conversation with Rachna about college sweatshirts.

I've been doing a lot of procrastinating lately. For instance, it's 5:15 right now and I haven't touched my homework, despite the fact that I've got a few things to do -- Spanish, Calculus -- and an MUN conference to prepare for.

The thing is, I can't get myself worked up over doing work. It's a bad thing, because it's not going to get any better as the school year progresses, but I'm just in a bit of a slump right now. I hope it's just because I'm sick, and that it's not going to become a habit, but I've got my worries.

I'm not going to stop doing things -- I don't think that would be possible. I'm not going to stop doing my work and getting it done. But I'm also going to not be completely productive for a while, I fear.

I've been struck lately with an odd desire to write fanfiction. No particular fandom, no actual plot -- just the drive to have lots of people I don't know in the real world review my story and reaffirm how important I am. The instant gratification of reviews is why I stopped writing fanfiction in the first place, and I'm not about to return to it, but this is the first time in a long time that I've wanted to.

Slightly random though this is, I'm kind of annoyed with having to switch groups in humanities. I really liked the old Group A -- we had some decent people, and we all worked really well together. I understand the groups needed to be split up a bit, but I don't see why it was done so drastically. Is there supposed to be something wrong with letting us hang out with the people we like? Reminds me of Anthem: Transgression of Preference?

Lots of things have been reminding me of books lately. For instance, Beauty and the Beast somehow has been connected in my mind to Jane Eyre and Pride and Prejudice? And werewolves? This is what happens when you decide to do a new take on an old story -- time pollution kicks in and all of the thoughs and theories that weren't around when the story was first told clamor to be included in the new version.

I've got an MUN conference this weekend -- well, Friday and Saturday. On the one hand, I don't want to go, but on the other I'll be glad to attend. It's Huntington Beach MUN, which isn't overly challenging.

I'm also considering whether I want to take part in tomorrow's Humanities talent show. If anything, I'd just recite a poem -- one of Shakespeare's sonnets, probably? I've become rather partial to "Let me not to the marriage of true minds," because I love the sentiments expressed. Oh Will, why so good? You make the rest of us look like tongueless fools.

Maybe I've spent enough time procrastinating now. Maybe I'll go do something worthwhile now. Or maybe I'll go memorize a sonnet. Either way, I'll go do something.

Well, I've made a decision that I probably should have made ago regarding my writing. As of today, I am taking a one-month hiatus from posting any fanfiction so that I can focus more on my original novel that's in the works. I've just realized how much I've been neglecting it for things that are less important. This is my attempt to bring it back to the center of my writing life.

And I supposed I'm also motivated by the fact that the first seven chapters are in need of a giant rewrite due to the fact that they had more holes in them than a piece of Swiss cheese. Of course, I'm a blind woman, so it took my cousin to point out the holes. Myself, I'd just been eating the cheese...

Well, not going to draw that metaphor/simile too far, but I'm going to spend more time writing, I've decided, and more time writing things that I consider important. My definition of important when in regards to writing usually involves the publishability of a piece: will this thing ever see print?

For all the junk I've gone through for this novel, it had better see print. I know that I will make it see print, because I'm stubborn like that.

I told my dad, because he asked what I'd been doing today when he got home. He understood -- I'm glad he did, but somehow I knew he would. It's so annoying that he is so wise about writing and literature and yet politely declines to read anything fantasy or sci-fi, which is basically what I write. But he gave me a good talk, using a metaphor from when he used to play tennis:

"I was really good back then, and I had to practice a lot. There were days when I'd just stand across the court from a machine that would spit a hundred balls at me before giving me a break. But in the end, when it came time to play the match, it wasn't a machine across from me -- it was another person, with all the complexities that come along with being human. And no matter how much I practiced against the machine, even when I could beat it, there was always a person who could beat me. Fanfiction is like playing against the machine. Writing a novel is like playing a real match, where points count and it's something intelligent up against you, not just some mechanical simulation of thought."

Those obviously aren't his exact words -- in fact, I think I might have fluffed them up a teeny bit, and adjusted them (like the writer in me has a tendency to) so that they create a more vivid rhythmic image. But that's the picture I got from it, and I had to write it down. I found that very encouraging, especially in light of what I'm facing. At the least, I have 30,000 words to rewrite. The original 30,000 took from September of my freshman year to August, right before I was about to enter school as a sophomore. The new 30,000 will be written in the midst of MUN summer sessions, summer reading, AP and IB classes...

It's daunting to think about. I know that I will do it, eventually...it's just disappointing to know that keeping up with academics once again means postponing my dreams, tweaking them slightly so that they "fit" the life I have to lead. Once, I was a silly, idealistic freshman who sincerely believed she could be published before she left high school. Now, I might know better, but I still mourn for the slivers of idealism that I lost along the way, and pray that I might be able to get through the rest of my life without losing too many more.

Well, if anyone's reading this from fanfiction.net, I have some small amount of bad news regarding A Phantom Melody. Due to the large volume of unexpected homework I've received this week, I will most likely (as in there is a 99.99% chance) not be posting another chapter this Sunday. Not only do my teachers expect me to read three books at once, research far too many historical figures, read and annotate notes on said historical figures, answer study questions on various plays and novels, and take test after test after test, but I have recently become involved in writing a Greek-style one act tragic play.

Yes. A one-act Greek-style tragic play. Tentatively titled Gemini at the moment, in case you were interested. I'm writing it as opposed to taking a bunch of tests and writing long boring essays on Antigone and Julius Caesar.

And in case that's not busy enough, I also have two birthday parties to go to this weekend, one of them being mine. So no new chapter until next week.

1,933 words of A Phantom Melody chapter 5, and it's not even done yet! This is easily going to be the longest of the chapters I've written so far. However, I probably won't be able to update next weekend, so I guess it's a trade-off.

Because it'll keep me on task, here's what I have to do this weekend, in no particular order.

-- MUN
.......notes
.......prepare for UCI MUN conference
-- AP Euro
.......read One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
.......read and annotate lecture notes
.......research Karl Marx
-- AP Language & Composition
.......read Julius Caeser and complete study questions
.......read Antigone
.......read part two of The Once and Future King
-- Math
.......homework
-- Other
.......finish chapter 5 of A Phantom Melody
.......clean my room
.......organize binders and other such junk
.......find out how to play craps (the dice game)

Well, I guess I have nothing else I can do to procrastinate...might as well get started.

To anyone interested in my progress on A Phantom Melody, I've now written 1,271 words of chapter five, and it's also tentatively titled.  I'll definitely be keeping up with my self-imposed schedule at this rate.

( Short story progress... )

I have an eerie feeling that I'm writing completely to myself...

Hehe, I think I have way too much fun titling these entries...half of the titles make no sense or are completely random. Then again, since I make no sense and am completely random, I guess it works.

If anyone from fanfiction.net is reading this and wondering about the progress of my story, A Phantom Melody, I have actually begun to work on the next chapter already! My ususal chapter size fluctuates between 1000 and 2000 words; as of now, I've written 348 words of chapter five. So far, it looks like I'm on schedule to have it posted by the end of the week.

Also, if anyone is interested in any of my original fiction, I have a bit posted on fictionpress.com here. Not much, just a few odd things, but seeing as I can't write fanfiction for a living I'm actually more interested in critique on those pieces.

That's about it for now, I think. Back to my secret life of crime and literature...