in Life's name and for Life's sake

In case you tuned in late, here's the recap:

1) Marshall Scholarship application submitted sans one letter of recommendation that apparently got eaten by the online system and does not display as having been submitted despite the insistence of recommender that it was. Said letter will be resubmitted by recommender in nine days once she returns from holiday in Australia. There is nothing more to be done on this front.

2) Official presentation of thesis research thus far occurs in one week. Mock presentation for practice purposes occurs in one hour. Let's just say I need more than one hour to finish condensing the research that took a whole summer into a fifteen-minute presentation to people who don't have any background in my field.

3) Fulbright Scholarship application is almost complete, and will likely be submitted (ahead of time!) sometime this week.

4) Training for my tutoring job runs all day tomorrow through Friday. I intend to use this as an opportunity not to think about Jane Austen at all.

5) Classes start in a week and two days, and that isn't soon enough. I need for there to be people in Berkeley again and I need to see my old professors again because seeing Professor Langan, even just for an hour and a half, completely rejuvenated my interest in my thesis topic, and having my thesis class with Professor Picciotto will be indescribably amazing.

6) I am beginning to amass a playlist called "Yelling at my thesis." As the title suggests, most of it is vaguely angry music, except for the few tracks that are mellow and fatalistic. Today I discovered that it's very useful for helping thesis-writers get out of bed and get to work at 7am (and is even more effective when paired with tea).

7) The other day, my father introduced me to a quote that I think will sum up my response to this upcoming year:

"If you're going through hell, keep going." --Sir Winston Churchill

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I'm funny about compliments. Somehow, I usually don't take to them very well. Or rather, I very rarely believe in the substance of the compliments -- or if I do, they're not telling me anything new. When my parents/sister compliment me on how I look, either a) they'd have to say it even if it weren't true, b) they say it in a shocked tone that is not so much a compliment as an expression of surprise that I bothered with dressing up, or c) I already know that I look good, and all I can respond with is, "I try."

And really, I don't care so much about how I look. The compliments that really get me are the ones expressing real pleasure in the talents I've cultivated and desired above others, namely my intelligence, analytical mind (especially in its ability to take apart a piece of literature), and creative writing ability.

"Your writing gets out of the way of the story." --my first creative writing professor at Berkeley, upon reading the first literary story I ever wrote

"You write very nicely!" --my first English professor at Berkeley, on reading the first page of a nearly-final essay draft of mine, said in an amused and happy tone with a smile on his face

"I can barely believe I'm giving this advice to an undergraduate, much less a first semester freshman -- but if I would look into upper division classes. Don't take any more survey courses for a while; they won't excite you. They won't force you to think the way upper div classes will. Find something you're passionate about and sign up. If the professor has a problem with it, have him talk to me -- I'll deal with it." --my History 5 GSI, when I asked her what history classes I should take in the future (back when I was still going to double-major)

"What are you doing? Get out of here and let me help someone who actually needs it!" --my Milton professor, when she started to get sidetracked in a conversation during office hours while over 10 people waited in the hallway outside her classroom

Also by my Milton professor, I have been told that I would have made William Blake a good wife (because I was very well-read and was learning the art of letterpress printing). Not perhaps the best compliment I've ever received, but I felt that it deserved inclusion for its weirdness.

But for me, the greatest compliments are not verbal -- or rather, the greatest verbal compliments are only shadows of a greater, non-verbal respect. Being respected by someone who I respect in turn is probably the largest compliment I'll ever receive, especially if I feel like the person in question is much more worthy of my respect than I am of his/hers. The shared enjoyment of conversation as intellectual equals with someone I'd consider far superior to me in intellect -- generally English professors -- is something I take as an implicit compliment.

And finally, a compliment that I look back on during bad days when I have a hard time remembering what I'm all about:

"Candace is intensely intellectual; she seems to take deep interest in everything. In the classroom Candace's focus is instantaneous and sustained. She is articulate, curious, penetrating, and sincerely devoted to learning and understanding. Candace puts much work into her preparation for mathematics, which she has told me that she had considered her "hardest" subject. Candace has a playful sense of humor that nicely ameliorates her academic intensity, and she interacts well with her peers. Candace may be the brightest all-around student that I have known in twenty years of teaching." --Mr. Mark Moore, on a letter of recommendation that he wrote me for a scholarship I applied for