For Good...
Mar. 14th, 2007 12:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
readingredheadEvery time I see the musical Wicked, I come away inspired in so many different directions that I don't know what to do with it. Actually, any time I see any musical, or play, or finish a good book, or experience any work of art worth my time, I come away with that feeling -- that need to do something, after having sat and watched or read for so long. I need action now, I demand it from myself.
But the clock is once again my enemy. It's too late -- and besides, there's always a morning.
But what if there isn't? That's the question Wicked has me asking today. Why should I worry about the morning? It'll be there when it comes. But in the meantime, why not let my passions be expressed? If there's one thing I learned from Elphaba tonight (and yes, I will continue to treat fictional characters as real people for as long as they continue to be real people), it's that what I admire most about her is that she is unafraid to show her passions to the world.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I come across as insincere -- that the way I express my passions seems like a simple seeming, rather than my being. It isn't, but I hate that it seems that way. Because if other people could only know one thing about me, I'd want it to be that I latch onto things I have a passion for and follow through with them, despite any opposition and at all costs. I want to be known as the person not afraid to feel.
For some reason, the song "As Long As You're Mine" really hit home today. I don't know why, but the attitude of the song just feels like something I'd like to embrace. I just want a chance to let go, for once -- a reason, an excuse, almost a pretense for being myself.
Why do I feel like I need one?
Why does it take a musical about a green girl to tell me this about myself? I understand the power of art, but I am constantly re-amazed by it.
Elphaba asks Fiyero, "Do you think I want to be this way? Do you think I want to care this much? Don’t you know how much easier my life would be if I didn’t?" It's a thought I've had often -- how easy would it be to take the other road? What would it be worth? What would it feel like to leave school at lunchtime, to go out on weekdays, to graduate in a red robe with an average GPA and attend a decent college, to get a moderately high-paying job and settle down and have a family and live the rest of my life being unobtrusive.
What would it feel like to be normal?
But then I remember that I'm different, and it's something I can take pride in, and I realize that I really don't want the answer to those questions I always ask. I don't need to know what life would have been like had I chosen another path. I didn't. I picked this one. I'm still not so sure what that entails, but I know that part of it involves following through. I know that this is the only life that makes me feel so alive (if that makes any sense whatsoever). It's who and why I am, rolled into one.
I thought a lot today, about completely unrelated things -- but then again, I don't think any two things are completely unrelated. I spent time with friends, and remembered their intense worth. And when it came to "For Good," I cried to think that "we may never meet again in this lifetime," but also to realize that so many of these people I know have changed me. I am not myself -- no man is an island. The interconnectedness of humanity really struck me today: how much each person matters to someone else, potentially lots of someones. And also it struck me how great a legacy of ourselves we leave in others without ever knowing it. It's something of which I wish I could be more aware.
Now I think I'm rambling, and my left wrist and right calf hurt (hopefully for different reasons), but I just felt like I needed to say something. After a day like this, I just couldn't be silent. I feel (still) like I need to sing.
So maybe I will, in my dreams.
But the clock is once again my enemy. It's too late -- and besides, there's always a morning.
But what if there isn't? That's the question Wicked has me asking today. Why should I worry about the morning? It'll be there when it comes. But in the meantime, why not let my passions be expressed? If there's one thing I learned from Elphaba tonight (and yes, I will continue to treat fictional characters as real people for as long as they continue to be real people), it's that what I admire most about her is that she is unafraid to show her passions to the world.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I come across as insincere -- that the way I express my passions seems like a simple seeming, rather than my being. It isn't, but I hate that it seems that way. Because if other people could only know one thing about me, I'd want it to be that I latch onto things I have a passion for and follow through with them, despite any opposition and at all costs. I want to be known as the person not afraid to feel.
For some reason, the song "As Long As You're Mine" really hit home today. I don't know why, but the attitude of the song just feels like something I'd like to embrace. I just want a chance to let go, for once -- a reason, an excuse, almost a pretense for being myself.
Why do I feel like I need one?
Why does it take a musical about a green girl to tell me this about myself? I understand the power of art, but I am constantly re-amazed by it.
Elphaba asks Fiyero, "Do you think I want to be this way? Do you think I want to care this much? Don’t you know how much easier my life would be if I didn’t?" It's a thought I've had often -- how easy would it be to take the other road? What would it be worth? What would it feel like to leave school at lunchtime, to go out on weekdays, to graduate in a red robe with an average GPA and attend a decent college, to get a moderately high-paying job and settle down and have a family and live the rest of my life being unobtrusive.
What would it feel like to be normal?
But then I remember that I'm different, and it's something I can take pride in, and I realize that I really don't want the answer to those questions I always ask. I don't need to know what life would have been like had I chosen another path. I didn't. I picked this one. I'm still not so sure what that entails, but I know that part of it involves following through. I know that this is the only life that makes me feel so alive (if that makes any sense whatsoever). It's who and why I am, rolled into one.
I thought a lot today, about completely unrelated things -- but then again, I don't think any two things are completely unrelated. I spent time with friends, and remembered their intense worth. And when it came to "For Good," I cried to think that "we may never meet again in this lifetime," but also to realize that so many of these people I know have changed me. I am not myself -- no man is an island. The interconnectedness of humanity really struck me today: how much each person matters to someone else, potentially lots of someones. And also it struck me how great a legacy of ourselves we leave in others without ever knowing it. It's something of which I wish I could be more aware.
Now I think I'm rambling, and my left wrist and right calf hurt (hopefully for different reasons), but I just felt like I needed to say something. After a day like this, I just couldn't be silent. I feel (still) like I need to sing.
So maybe I will, in my dreams.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-14 06:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-15 12:42 am (UTC)I had "Defying Gravity" stuck in my head all day, and not in the bad I-can't-get-rid-of-it way. I'm already trying to make plans to go see it again. Haha.
And I'm definitely looking forward to your lesbian musical version of Hamlet, not going to lie. Ugh, there it is again. I don't talk like myself online.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-15 04:18 am (UTC)Tony and I were waiting outside of Krucli's room today after school to do our oral exams, and I had my mp3 player and portable speakers, and we were singing along with Defying Gravity at the top of our lungs and the top of the speaker volume. Quite a release. And seeing Krucli come out and stare at us was quite priceless.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-16 07:03 am (UTC)I discovered a live version of Defying Gravity on my iPod today. I'm pretty sure it is illegal, and I don't know how it got there, but I have over 3000 songs so I guess I just forgot? And I'm not complaining, because I really wanted to listen to it. But Dr. Chris caught me with my iPod on when we were supposed to be working on the TOK video and made me turn it off. :(
How did you do on your oral? I said something about waiting in line to give an oral and this girl who wasn't in IB was like "...you wait in line to GIVE those?" Yeah, highly awkward, but hilarious.