in Life's name and for Life's sake

Also: when I take the time aside to think about it, I am scared shitless at the idea that I hear back about getting a story published (again) and I can't stand the waiting. I apparently should hear some time at the end of this week, but that could change. For now I'm operating under the idea that no news is good news, because if my story totally sucked I would certainly have been told so already. And it takes longer than an anthology with just one editor, since both the editors need to read all of the stories submitted, and I'm sure there will be arguments over which ones should be included and which shouldn't, based upon the allegiances of the writers (which newbies were brought in by who). I hate it that all I can do is cross my fingers and wait. (Can you tell I'm not a patient person?) This is probably the worst part of writing: the waiting.

However, if I don't get published in this anthology, my next move is to seriously pursue publication elsewhere. I've never really done that before, but now I'm realizing that it's probably something I ought to look into. I've got great stories that just don't happen to fit the criteria for the anthologies I've been asked to write for. Yeah, there's always the possibility that something Julie asks me for will match "Fire and Ice" to a tee (for the record, if that happened I would immediately die of happiness), but in all likelihood that story will never be published unless I do it on my own.

(But dammit, I really don't want to be rejected! I understand the importance of the rejections, because they make sure that I don't get complacent, and I know that "Potential Energy" is a really crappy story when compared to my other work, but come on! Published!)

I think I've noted before that the night before a chemistry test, I never seem to study. Instead, I get distracted by good writing and stay up to ungodly hours of the night, needing to finish one more page, one more paragraph...

This weekened has shown me that this can get even more out of hand. I did nothing but read and write all weekend, the exception being some time I spent yesterday morning studying Chemistry. I haven't taken a single multiple choice practice test. My free response scores might be good, but there's no way my MC scores match them. And you know what I say?

Oh well.

It doesn't matter.

Because I've been spending the time doing work for Ages of Wonder instead, and even though the result is a story that's not at all one of my best, given the time it was absolutely the best that I could do, and I'm really rather proud of myself for getting it done. Also, it was good to feel like a writer again.

And now I still have a few minutes before I leave to take the AP Chemistry test. Just a few more minutes for me to not study, and worry about important things instead.

(More later about the amazing book that seduced me away from the studying. Because there was a book. There's always a book.)

Stuff I really need to get done includes:

--short story writing
--practice IB Spanish test
--study for IB Spanish
--study for AP Chemistry
--Chemistry AP problems (2006)

The short story writing is really the most important part. Really, I should do nothing but work on the short story between now and Tuesday, because it deserves that kind of attention, and also because I don't have many other things I need to do. But, as usual, the internet is a distraction.

1. Beauty by Robin McKinley
2. The Coelura by Anne McCaffrey
3. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
4. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
5. An Assembly Such As This by Pamela Aidan
6. Duty and Desire by Pamela Aidan
7. These Three Remain by Pamela Aidan
8. A Wizard Alone by Diane Duane
9. Hamlet by William Shakespeare
10. Cameo Diner by Matt Miller
11. A Wizard Abroad by Diane Duane
12. Talking in the Dark by Billy Merrill
13. A Streetcar Named Desire by Tenessee Williams
14. A Thousand Words for Stranger by Julie E. Czerneda
15. Blood Wedding by Frederico Garcia Lorca
16. Man and Superman by George Bernard Shaw
17. Ties of Power by Julie E. Czerneda
18. The Road to Mecca by Athol Fugard
19. To Trade the Stars by Julie E. Czerneda
20. The Unhandsome Prince by John Moore

I've been thinking lately about a conversation I had with Matt Miller, my teacher at Stanford over the summer, about the mind of the writing and how it differs from the mind of the author.  It started as a discussion of first sentences, and their importance.  We had just been required to write 10 potential first sentences for stories we were interested in writing, and take 3 of those sentences and create an opening paragraph.  Most of us expressed some discomfort with the paragraphs spawned from these sentences, and Matt gave us some good advice.  He said, "Sometimes you have to write yourself to the first sentence.  The first sentence you write is usually not the real first sentence.  Sometimes the real first sentence is in your second or third paragraph.  Sometimes it's on your second or third page.  Other times, it takes thousands of words to get you to that first sentence, the point where the story should start.  And getting there isn't the only trouble.  Once you're there, you have to have the sense to realize it, and to delete the rest of the crap that took you there and start as if from scratch."

I'm thinking of this right now because I've just realized that the 3500 words of short story I've written don't actually have a place within my short story.  Though I initially thought they were crucial to the plot, I've just realized that it doesn't matter how my MCs meet each other, or how they interact then, as long as I make sure their interactions are always realistic.  I also realized that, short story that this is, the word count is my enemy -- and so is time, in this case.

The stuff I was writing just wasn't feeling right -- maybe it's because I hadn't gotten to the beginning of the story yet?

I haven't written my "first sentence" -- truth be told, I'm not in much of a writing mood at the moment -- but I know when I do that I'll have enough information behind it that maybe -- maybe! -- it'll stand up.

There was a time when I used this journal for poetry. I wish I was still living in that sort of time, but I'm not, and I just have to deal with it.

I went to the Koger study session. Very few people showed up, but that's never bugged me -- I love having time with teachers when they don't have to pay attention to a billion kids at once, and if all the Humanities kids showed up, it'd be a zoo. (Steph, I have the notes for you -- I can e-mail them if you want. Anyone else cool enough to be reading this gets them for free, but I'm considering selling them to others.)

I should be doing work right now, but (I'm sensing a recurrant theme here) I don't want to do it.

I wrote an essay about objects in the play Streetcar Named Desire and I forgot to mention the streetcar named Desire. *hits self on head* But I did write a lot, and if Dr. Chris is grading them I have a better chance than if Krucli was (for once in my life). Stylistically, the essay is pretty crappy and doesn't follow any sort of good form, and Krucli expects better of me and would ding me for it. Chris, on the other hand, will be so happy to realize I listened to what he said (or so he thinks) and he will only care about whether or not I used compound-complex sentences, so I'm less worried. It feels weird to have hand-written that essay, because all the past essays I've typed and saved to my computer, which means that I've been able to look back at them immediately after they were written. I can't do that with this one, and it's somewhat annoying.

I'm still working on a nebulous cloud of ideas that may or may not coalesce (one of my favorite words) into a good and meaningful story for Julie. I'm working on an idea set in ancient Greece, and I really wanted to use Hypatia as a main character, but I keep running into historical issues. If I'm going to set it in a real historical time period, I get the feeling that I should at least do it right.

So I was experimenting with the poll generator, and I produced this. Please help?

[Poll #968500]

Really, I don't know how that's going to help me. Really the only thing is I'm unsure if I want to pull some Greek gods into the story or not. Because I could do it without them, and it might make more sense, but I just don't know enough Greek history to know for sure.

Aargh! As usual, so many things demand so much from me and I'm never sure if I'll have the time or strength to get them all done. But in the end, all we can do is persevere and hope that our perseverance is enough.